I'm not rude, I'm just anxious!

            Hi there! My apologies for my absence (as if anyone noticed or cared) for over two weeks but I’ve been so swamped with end of semester projects that I haven’t had any extra time to do anything (I’ve barely had the energy to brush my teeth every morning). 

            After a hearty two weeks of binge eating and stress sleeping, I can say with confidence and a ginormous smile on my face that I completed my first semester of post grad school and only cried four times. 

            I hope everyone is doing well and if you’re a new reader, thanks for joining! All my information is on the side bar and in my introduction post. You’re in for a wild ride, my friend.

            Today I want to talk about something that has been plaguing my mind for the past few weeks. 

            As I’ve mentioned in a few posts already, I have anxiety. It’s not crippling anxiety that doesn’t let me function on a daily basis, it’s just a constant little buzzing in the back of my mind that stops me from living my life fully and pushes me away from some people, things, and experiences. It’s actually recognized as “high functioning anxiety” which sounds like a rip off of generalized anxiety disorder but for hundreds of thousands (maybe even millions?) of people, it is a very real experience.    

            The key feature of high functioning anxiety is that you'd never be able to tell that internally our minds are racing a mile a minute but (and you guessed it) we function pretty well. I’ve actually had dozens of experiences where I was sitting in a room full of people and was having an anxiety attack and not a single person noticed. She hides it well.

            The past few weeks have been rough and my anxiety levels have been at their peak levels.  

So I’ve actually had those little incidents, sitting in a crowded room or surrounded by my closest friends and family. While I did not cry or hyperventilate or scream, I did change character for a few minutes.

            When someone with high functioning anxiety has an anxiety attack, there are certain things we do that are symptoms and can be easily overlooked. I’ll list a few of mine that are probably pretty general and common:

·     Shutting down and saying little to nothing to others

·     Staring into space

·     Inhaling and exhaling deeply and repeatedly 

·     Snapping at someone who tries to initiate conversation 

·     Isolating from others 

·     Shaking legs, biting nails/fingers/lips 

Those are just a list of things I’ve found that I do when I’m having a very mild anxiety attack and I’m around people and have to put on a brave face and smile through it.

            In the past week (in two separate caffeine induced incidents because I’m a fool), I was caught doing things on that list (hmm maybe she doesn't hide it that well) and was asked by multiple people if I am okay. Of course, I perk up, smile and say, “oh yeah! I’m fine! Just tired!” (She’s not fine she’s panICKING)

            Here’s where the title of this post comes in. For the past few weeks, in an effort to ease myself of my symptoms, I’ve been trying to avoid things that make me anxious. And that’s why I keep asking myself if I come off as rude or if maybe it’s obvious that I’m internally struggling.

            Contrary to what it may seem if you know me in person, I’m actually not shy, like at all. I’m a very loud and sarcastic person and when I’m talking to the right person or people, I always have something to say. (I also have a lot to say when I’m typing because I think my fingers have more energy to talk than my mouth does).

            However, lately I’ve been so overwhelmed that I’ve just wanted to be alone. I’d walk into class and pick a seat farthest away from everyone else just so I can sit in silence for a while. It’s not that I don’t like anyone, it’s just that my brain is racing a mile a minute and I do not have the energy to engage in “lovely weather, eh?” conversations when inside my mind is exploding. I’m not rude, I’m just anxious! 

            I also have a very specific and weird fear of parties. Specifically, birthday parties. I don’t know what happened to me in my childhood that caused this phobia-like fear, but Sigmund Freud would have a field day with my brain. 

            So if you’ve invited me to a party in the past uhh…..ten years... and I’ve had any excuse under the sun to not come…I’m not rude, I’m just anxious!! One day, with the right therapist and maybe even overcoming my anxiety altogether, I’ll be able to attend a party alone and not feel like the world is caving in on me. For now I’m going to politely decline your invitation. Thanks, though. 

            When it comes to those parties that I was forced to go to, if I’ve shut down and didn’t engage in conversation and I came off as too pretentious to talk to anyone….I’m not rude, I’m just anxious!!! 

            I think one of the hardest things for people with any sort of anxiety disorder is to explain how they personally feel inside, especially to someone who can’t relate or understand. That’s why I make myself 100% available and understanding to anyone who needs someone to listen and offer advice. (And what’s so crazy to me, is that about three quarters of my friends actually have their own anxiety that they vent to me about). 

            Anyways, if you could relate to anything I said in this post, then I offer you a hug and a high five (actually, maybe not the high five because I’m anxious and my hands are probably sweaty). If you can’t relate but learned anything about anxiety, then consider me satisfied.

            Please know that whatever you are going through, you will never be alone in your struggles. I encourage, and even hope, that anyone with anxiety would reach out to me to talk about whatever you’re going through because I would love to help and hear from someone who can relate. It would help me feel less alone too!  

            I’m also wishing everyone (especially my socially anxious peeps) good luck this holiday season because I know the overwhelming amount of socializing during this month is a lot for people like us. Alcohol helps, though so…..something to keep in mind.

            If you catch anyone sitting alone at a party in the next few weeks, keep in mind that maybe they want to be alone to mentally recover or breathe through a mild anxiety attack. The best line of defense if you see someone like that is to just treat them like a deer in the forest and let them come to you first. 

            Oh and if you see me sitting alone at a social gathering and your conversation starter is, “wow you’re so antisocial”, I have one thing to say to you: I’m not antisocial, I’m just anxious! 

Happy holidays y’all☺