Why do we fear change?

        Hi there! I hope everyone’s holidays were great and that you all got some great presents, ate good food, and enjoyed spending time with your families. 

         I have really enjoyed my winter break so far but I’ve been a lot busier than I anticipated! I haven’t had any free time to write or do anything on my looooong to-do list. 

         As we head into a new year, I decided to make today’s blog post about change. I personally hate New Year's and I think it’s totally overhyped. 

         I’ve never had an official “New Year’s Resolution” because again I think the whole concept is overrated. Although, last year I made a “goal” to walk 10,000 steps everyday and I actually stuck to it! So I decided to continue that and just incorporate it into my daily life. 

         I’ve always considered change the scariest thing in the world. I’m a very complacent person who lives within my comfort zone and I seldom step outside of it so for me facing a change head on creates a lot of anxiety. I usually avoid making big changes in my life because I think they will only make me regretful and scared. 

         However, recently I was thinking about this concept and I decided to flip my mindset about it and think about all of the good things that change has brought into my life. 

         This year has been full of changes for me and they happened so quickly and were so drastic that I don’t think I noticed they were happening at the time.

         The first half of 2018 was really rough. I hit what I think is one of the lowest points of my life. I went into it feeling, for the lack of a better word, depressed. I had graduated university in June 2017 but could not find full time work in my field. Everyday I woke up and either went to work and felt like a hopeless robot or woke up past noon and lay in bed until my hunger pushed me to get up. I spent hours, job searching online and it was the most disappointing, confidence destroying, and exhausting process.

         Halfway through the year I turned my life and my year around for the better. One night (at 2 a.m.), I sat in bed squealing with excitement because I found the perfect program that my heart has been passionate about since high school. At the time it didn’t feel like I was going through a life change because it felt so right and my heart was exploding with joy and anticipation. But soon after my excitement died down, I started feeling my usual anxiety and I just had to push through, ignore the intrusive thoughts and just listen to my gut telling me it was going to be amazing.

         So the biggest change that I went through this year was deciding to start post grad school for journalism and follow through on my passion for writing since elementary school! 

         Another huge change I made this year is what you’re doing right now. My blog!! I never in a million, billion, trillion years thought I would ever have the confidence to express myself so freely on the internet. (I mean, I used to vent on my Tumblr but no one ever read my posts so it was mostly me talking to myself in a public arena). 

         The reason you are reading my blog today is because I spent about five months contemplating everyday whether I should just do it. I daydreamed about all of the things I would write and how many people would benefit from hearing someone else talk about their anxieties, fears, and weaknesses and help others feel less alone. But again, my fear of making a change in my life held me back until one night I held my breath and just did it. I will never regret doing this and this has been such an amazing journey. 

         Everyday I’m more surprised by how many compliments I get on my blog and it makes me feel so happy to hear that my own friends and family are supporting my work! I’m so used to hiding in the corner and I hate being in the spotlight but I think this is such an intimate way of sharing my thoughts with anyone who’s willing to listen. It makes me feel so honoured that there are dozens of people who sit down each week to read my writing. 

         I've also gone through a huge change with my body. In high school I decided I was tired of being overweight and I wanted to change it. So far, I’ve lost about 55 pounds which is like….a lot. The past year has been so full of ups and downs that my weight has stayed about the same. It has been demotivating but at the same time I also have to appreciate that I made such a big change to my body and I’m already at a very healthy weight (but could stand to lose a few more). That “change” that I made years ago basically just turned into my new life. Lucky for this transformation because if I didn’t, y’all would be rolling me out of all you can eat buffets. 

     Other cool things I changed this year:

·     My hair (I’m obsessed, it cost an arm and a leg and it was the best change.) (Also... the phrase “if you can’t change your life, change your hair” holds strong regardless of what you’re going through)

·     My eating habits (I got into drinking over three liters of water a day and I feel great…I wish my skin got the memo but I will be patient)

·     My writing (I started off one class with my prof ripping apart my assignments and ended the semester with all A’s and constant compliments on my work and improvements)

·     My mindset!!! Like I said, I spent half this year thinking life was meaningless and I was a failure and it took months of effort to remind myself to turn my “failures” into lessons 

        I know that for some people it is extremely hard to face the fact that your current situation is leading you nowhere and is only making you more frustrated and unhappy everyday. You probably see it and feel it, but why aren’t you doing anything to change it? 

         If there is something you can actively do or change to make yourself happier, then why not do it? When you’re already feeling down, only good things can come from making a positive change. I’ve learned to just cross my fingers, do that thing that scares me and hope that it works out. If it fails, I’ll deal with it when it comes. As someone who has failed and wasted a year of her life, I can assure you that as long as you’ll still have a roof over your head and good people around you, making a change or taking a big risk will be worth it if it can make your life better. And if you’re anxious like me and always prepare for the worst, just remember that I did not prepare myself for the worst at all. I still failed and then recovered and I came out of it with a smile on my face and a good story.          

         I don’t want to be that sappy white girl that says “make 2019 your year of change!” but …I’m kind of saying that. I personally know a lot of people that are kind of stagnant in their lives right now. They’re low-key miserable and their jobs are leading nowhere, but I can only see this from an outsider’s perspective (and also because they vent to me about it on an almost daily basis). It’s hard for me to sit here and say “you need to make a change this year” but if you fall into the category of unhappy people, I really do urge you to consider what changes you can make to better yourself and your happiness. I know it’s terrifying at first but it is so rewarding to be at a point where you know you are in the process of change and you can feel the happiness and excitement radiating out of your pores. 

         So, I think you should just go for it. You have my complete support and if you fail, I will be your hype girl to help you get back on the horse and try again. Really though, as long as you’re not gambling your life’s saving at the casino, you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.

         Anyways, thank you for reading! Enjoy your New Year's celebrations (bleh) and think about making that change. I’d love to know if anyone is planning to do something big in the next year because I love to hear inspiring stories from other hopefuls like me!!

Don't forget to love yourself first

          Hi friends, welcome to another blog post. If you’re new, welcome! I’m Stefanie, I’m a 23-year-old Canadian and I blog about life and all it entails. 

         Today I’m going to tell you a love story.

         Before you roll your eyes and click out—this is not a love story involving a man and I. In fact, it is a love story involving only one person: me. 

         I fell in love with myself about a year and I half ago and I haven’t looked back. That probably sounds a little funny if you’ve never experienced something like this but the story is worth it. 

         I’ve wanted to share this experience for a really long time. I know it’s been quite a while since it happened and I am completely over it but this is something that people usually keep quiet about and I want to share my story for those who can relate and for those who need to hear it.

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         When I was 21, I got my heart broken by a boy I was in love with. When I was left to pick up the pieces, I quickly realized that I had lost a huge chunk of who I was and in order to put myself back together, I had to meet someone else—my own self.

         I found myself on dating apps trying to fill in the emptiness that he left. I’d talk to a guy and immediately he’d say, “so what are your hobbies?” That one little question left me sitting in shock unable to give a straight answer. I sat there for minutes staring at a blank chat box, thinking, “I honestly don’t know. I don’t know who I am.”

         That was the moment I realized this was going to take a long time of self love and picking myself back up in order to learn who I am and figure myself out. I spent years sharing my life with another person and engrained so much of my identity into the fact that I was a girlfriend before I was anything else in the world. And when I no longer had that title, I didn’t have an identity. I felt like I lost everything about myself. 

         (Before you judge me, please realize I was still exiting my teenage years when this occurred.) 

         Eventually I started going about my life picking out things I do on a daily basis that I enjoy and realized that they are part of who I am and what I love. 

         ‘Oh yeah, I guess you could say makeup is a hobby because I do it almost everyday.

         Hmm maybe reading is my hobby because I look forward to my morning coffee and light reading. 

         Shopping is certainly one of my hobbies, no doubt about it.’

         Slowly but surely I started to meet my own self again, like an old friend I had a falling out with. And I started to realize that I’m a really cool person. 

         I learned that if some boy couldn’t see my worth, that wasn’t at all reflective of who I am as a person. I’m great. I’m amazing. I’m beautiful and sassy and funny. I’m everything I could ever want to be and I will always be perfect whether anyone else in the world sees it or not. (Not you, Mom, I know you'll always think I’m perfect.) 

         It didn’t take me long to fall in love with myself if I’m being honest. Probably about the same time as it takes to fall in love with someone else. And I don’t mean love as in I’m a crazy lady who’s going to legally marry herself.

         I just realized that I’m worthy of love and the best person who can love me on every single day of the year is me. I know that I’ll never break my own heart, that I’ll always have my own back, and I’m the best person I can count on when I’m in need of a friend. I really and whole heartedly love myself. And that was something that took me years (about 21 to be exact) to figure out.   

         If I could give any advice to my younger self or to a young girl who’s just discovering herself, dating, and the world in general, it’s to never ever sacrifice your self worth for anybody else. 

         Before you can fall in love with someone, I think you should be sure that you know who you are and how much you’re worth (which is more than money can buy, of course). 
         Develop a self confidence that makes people turn their heads in your direction. Learn everything about yourself before you share your life and your heart with someone else. You should be able to look yourself in the mirror and recognize the face looking back at you as the most beautiful and captivating person in the room at all times. 

         If you make the same mistake that I did and just throw yourself into a relationship before you’re ready and know who you are as a human, you’re going to lose so much of yourself to someone that may end up taking advantage of your naivety. 

         I didn’t know my self worth. I was so desperate for any boy to validate my existence that I just accepted the first one that came and wanted him forever. So I didn’t know that when that one boy eventually starting taking my naïve heart for granted and couldn’t decide whether he wanted to be with me or not, it was up to me say, “No. I’m not here when you want me and gone when you don’t. Don’t call me when you make up your mind.” I didn’t do that because I didn’t know I was worth a thousand million trillion more dollars than he took me for. But I know it now. 

         I know for the next person that I am worth everything and the right person will see that in me from the start. I’ll know when to walk away and when to fight for love. I’ll know that when I sense him pushing me away and questioning whether he wants to be with me, I’ll leave in a heartbeat because someone who doesn't see my worth 24/7 doesn't deserve me at all.

         I promise to myself (and you have my word now that it’s in writing) that I will never lose myself and my values to anybody in the world. I won’t sacrifice the things I love because it doesn’t fit in with someone else’s lifestyle or because they can’t see the value in the things that I enjoy. 

         The road to falling in love with my own self has been very long but also very busy. I don’t even have the time or patience to fall in love with anyone right now. It’s actually starting to get to the point where people are questioning whether I’m going to spend my life alone or if I’m "not into boys anymore", and omg if I ever bought a cat I think everyone would assume the rest of my life is doomed to cat lady status. But I’m happy, and that’s all that truly matters. 

         One day, I will find the one who’s meant for me but in the meantime I’m okay with that person being the face I see when I look in the mirror. I refuse to sacrifice my self worth for anyone that doesn’t see the sun shine out of my butt.

         If you’re young and you still have the time to spend falling in love with yourself, I recommend doing this above anything and everything. If you think you’re too old to waste a year or two on just yourself, keep in mind that falling in love with anyone else depends on your ability to love your own self before you give some of that love away. I know it may seem like a waste of energy and time to just fall in love with yourself but I can guarantee it will be worth it. I can sit here and tell you how much you’re worth but you’ll never truly know until you figure it out yourself.

         Remember that who you are when you’re alone and at your happiest is probably who you truly are as a person. If you become an alter ego when you’re around your significant other but you’re not truly happy, is it really worth it for a little bit of arm candy?

         I hope anyone who’s reading this who needed a little push to just focus on themselves for a little while got the motivation to. Hopefully that doesn’t mean that you have to dump your boyfriend and move to the Maldives but if that’s that what it takes then, so be it.

         
         Wishing everyone an amazing Christmas and that you remember to express some self love this holiday season. Buy yourself an expensive gift gurl, you deserve it. And don’t forget to fall in love with yourself too. 

I'm not rude, I'm just anxious!

            Hi there! My apologies for my absence (as if anyone noticed or cared) for over two weeks but I’ve been so swamped with end of semester projects that I haven’t had any extra time to do anything (I’ve barely had the energy to brush my teeth every morning). 

            After a hearty two weeks of binge eating and stress sleeping, I can say with confidence and a ginormous smile on my face that I completed my first semester of post grad school and only cried four times. 

            I hope everyone is doing well and if you’re a new reader, thanks for joining! All my information is on the side bar and in my introduction post. You’re in for a wild ride, my friend.

            Today I want to talk about something that has been plaguing my mind for the past few weeks. 

            As I’ve mentioned in a few posts already, I have anxiety. It’s not crippling anxiety that doesn’t let me function on a daily basis, it’s just a constant little buzzing in the back of my mind that stops me from living my life fully and pushes me away from some people, things, and experiences. It’s actually recognized as “high functioning anxiety” which sounds like a rip off of generalized anxiety disorder but for hundreds of thousands (maybe even millions?) of people, it is a very real experience.    

            The key feature of high functioning anxiety is that you'd never be able to tell that internally our minds are racing a mile a minute but (and you guessed it) we function pretty well. I’ve actually had dozens of experiences where I was sitting in a room full of people and was having an anxiety attack and not a single person noticed. She hides it well.

            The past few weeks have been rough and my anxiety levels have been at their peak levels.  

So I’ve actually had those little incidents, sitting in a crowded room or surrounded by my closest friends and family. While I did not cry or hyperventilate or scream, I did change character for a few minutes.

            When someone with high functioning anxiety has an anxiety attack, there are certain things we do that are symptoms and can be easily overlooked. I’ll list a few of mine that are probably pretty general and common:

·     Shutting down and saying little to nothing to others

·     Staring into space

·     Inhaling and exhaling deeply and repeatedly 

·     Snapping at someone who tries to initiate conversation 

·     Isolating from others 

·     Shaking legs, biting nails/fingers/lips 

Those are just a list of things I’ve found that I do when I’m having a very mild anxiety attack and I’m around people and have to put on a brave face and smile through it.

            In the past week (in two separate caffeine induced incidents because I’m a fool), I was caught doing things on that list (hmm maybe she doesn't hide it that well) and was asked by multiple people if I am okay. Of course, I perk up, smile and say, “oh yeah! I’m fine! Just tired!” (She’s not fine she’s panICKING)

            Here’s where the title of this post comes in. For the past few weeks, in an effort to ease myself of my symptoms, I’ve been trying to avoid things that make me anxious. And that’s why I keep asking myself if I come off as rude or if maybe it’s obvious that I’m internally struggling.

            Contrary to what it may seem if you know me in person, I’m actually not shy, like at all. I’m a very loud and sarcastic person and when I’m talking to the right person or people, I always have something to say. (I also have a lot to say when I’m typing because I think my fingers have more energy to talk than my mouth does).

            However, lately I’ve been so overwhelmed that I’ve just wanted to be alone. I’d walk into class and pick a seat farthest away from everyone else just so I can sit in silence for a while. It’s not that I don’t like anyone, it’s just that my brain is racing a mile a minute and I do not have the energy to engage in “lovely weather, eh?” conversations when inside my mind is exploding. I’m not rude, I’m just anxious! 

            I also have a very specific and weird fear of parties. Specifically, birthday parties. I don’t know what happened to me in my childhood that caused this phobia-like fear, but Sigmund Freud would have a field day with my brain. 

            So if you’ve invited me to a party in the past uhh…..ten years... and I’ve had any excuse under the sun to not come…I’m not rude, I’m just anxious!! One day, with the right therapist and maybe even overcoming my anxiety altogether, I’ll be able to attend a party alone and not feel like the world is caving in on me. For now I’m going to politely decline your invitation. Thanks, though. 

            When it comes to those parties that I was forced to go to, if I’ve shut down and didn’t engage in conversation and I came off as too pretentious to talk to anyone….I’m not rude, I’m just anxious!!! 

            I think one of the hardest things for people with any sort of anxiety disorder is to explain how they personally feel inside, especially to someone who can’t relate or understand. That’s why I make myself 100% available and understanding to anyone who needs someone to listen and offer advice. (And what’s so crazy to me, is that about three quarters of my friends actually have their own anxiety that they vent to me about). 

            Anyways, if you could relate to anything I said in this post, then I offer you a hug and a high five (actually, maybe not the high five because I’m anxious and my hands are probably sweaty). If you can’t relate but learned anything about anxiety, then consider me satisfied.

            Please know that whatever you are going through, you will never be alone in your struggles. I encourage, and even hope, that anyone with anxiety would reach out to me to talk about whatever you’re going through because I would love to help and hear from someone who can relate. It would help me feel less alone too!  

            I’m also wishing everyone (especially my socially anxious peeps) good luck this holiday season because I know the overwhelming amount of socializing during this month is a lot for people like us. Alcohol helps, though so…..something to keep in mind.

            If you catch anyone sitting alone at a party in the next few weeks, keep in mind that maybe they want to be alone to mentally recover or breathe through a mild anxiety attack. The best line of defense if you see someone like that is to just treat them like a deer in the forest and let them come to you first. 

            Oh and if you see me sitting alone at a social gathering and your conversation starter is, “wow you’re so antisocial”, I have one thing to say to you: I’m not antisocial, I’m just anxious! 

Happy holidays y’all☺