Sometimes you have to put yourself first or you'll always come last

Hello!! Hello....hi....
I've been gone. A very very long time. I've thought about my blog over and over again but I have been going through a jumble of emotions in my absence and had this weird kind of anxious writer's block so I just had no motivation or energy to write.
Basically....and without sharing every single thing that has happened over the last **mumbled number cause it's grossly high** months, my life has been super busy and chaotic and in the process of change.
I've actually tried like five times to write a blog post. Seriously, I have five drafts of half written posts about various different things, but I never followed through on posting them.
And then there was that nagging little voice I like to call my anxiety that would whisper "nobodyyyyy cares" or "don't botherrrr, seriously nobody caresssss" so that was holding me back too. (I feel I should clarify that those are actually just my internal thoughts and that I don't hear voices)
However, I'm currently sitting down with a cup of coffee and a candle burning and I'm finally (finally!) feeling like myself again. A miracle, I say!

I don't even know where to start right now, my mind is racing a mile a minute because I have so much that I want to say it before I forget or get too anxious to share it.
Since the last time I posted, a lot of things have happened.
I finished two semesters of post grad school, which means I'm done the entire program! I cannot believe a whole year went by and in that time I've gotten so much experience, learned a ton of things, and met so many amazing people (who will now just be distant memories in my heart because that's just how life goes).
During my summer semester, I got chosen to be Editor-in-Chief of my school's news website (well ok...first I was Managing Editor, which is still like, a high honour but then our EIC got a job and left so I got "promoted"). It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, super exhausting (8-10 hour days) but made me feel so happy and satisfied.
Then I had an internship I was supposed to start in June and they contacted me and told me they were shutting down and could no longer offer me it....three days before my start date. I loved that part. Really not nerve wracking, and did not make my life feel upside down. But c'est la vie. Two months later (after a lot of rejection emails) (rip self esteem), I finally found another internship that I started earlier this month and I really really enjoy it. (I'm currently procrastinating work I need to do for that by writing this post, sos)
I never realized how cool a partially work from home job would be until I started doing it. I only go into the office once or twice a week, otherwise I send most of my "professional" emails from my bed in my pyjamas.
Within my first shift at my internship, I already felt so welcomed and valued. It was such a refreshing and awesome feeling. Even the little busy work I do is enjoyable because I know that in a few weeks all my little tasks will add up and contribute to the publication of a magazine and my name will be in it! It's such a cool feeling.

So...yeah. I've been busy. During my summer semester I did four days of school and four days of work and if you do the math, that equals eight and there is not eight days in a week, so that means that I'm exhausted!!
At first, I really enjoyed the go go go life, it kept me occupied and on my feet, and I felt like I wasn't wasting away my summer days.
But then I realized how many months had gone by since I've written any blog posts, or even picked up a book to read. That's not like me. At my core, one of my biggest passions in life (besides like, french fries and puppies) is writing. And I totally stopped.
I wanted to believe that it was because I was so busy. I had one, maybe two days a week off and on those days I either had cleaning to do or errands to run, or just wanted to lie in bed like a potato and that's essentially why I stopped doing things I love.
But then you do it over and over, week after week, and "I'm just too busy or tired or xyz" becomes "I just don't feel passionate about this anymore" or "I have no motivation" and it's not very good.
I've never considered myself an aspirational person until about last year when I found myself daydreaming about the day my own book comes out, or being Editor-in-Chief of a renowned magazine, or...just having a job where I can write from home in my pyjamas.
So, I need to keep that passion. I can't just suppress it because I don't have the time or energy, but I can't create time when I genuinely have none, and I can't build up energy unless I take the time to rest.
What I thought was me keeping myself super occupied, running around from school to work to bed to work to hanging out with friends to bed to internship, and so on...really just became me living a life that I wasn't really enjoying.
It really hit me when I sat down and thought about the last time I felt genuinely excited to do something, and I realized....I couldn't remember.
Nothing excited me anymore, nothing made me feel like I was living my best life, and I would wake up in the morning, think about everything I have to do and everywhere I had to be...and I just didn't want to. It sucked.
Just a few weeks ago, I was lying in bed one morning before a shift at work (my retail job, not my internship), and I felt so numb and drained. The thought of getting up and spending six hours on a Saturday to go to a job that had no future or positive impact on me was just...depressing.
But I kept telling myself over and over again that it was for the money and to get out of the house, and although that worked for a while, eventually it just became too much.
I realized that I was staying at my job to keep my parents happy by having my own money and keep my understaffed managers happy by helping out and keep my friends happy by being able to afford going out often but then I said.....but what the heck am I doing to keep myself happy? Nothing, really.
I wasn't passionate or excited or content with my life. I was just going through the motions of a lifestyle that was keeping everyone around me satisfied, but I felt nothing.

One night, I walked out of work (on a Friday because I love working weekend nights since I have no social life or friends). I got into my car and sat there and just started bawling my eyes out. Like that gasping for air, I don't know why I'm crying, oh geez there's a guy in a car driving past me and we just made eye contact and this is embarrassing...kind of bawling. And I drove home like nothing happened.
Then I showered, went to bed, and woke up the next day and went to work pretending I was okay. And I did it again the next day, and the next day, and again and again.
But finally, one day I called my mom (once again sobbing because I'm a giant baby), and I had zero reason to be so upset except that it was a busy day and I was overwhelmed physically and mentally. She told me to quit. Like that day, on the spot. And I was like...who are you? In this house we don't do anything spontaneously, we sit and sleep on it for 47 days until we are good and ready to make a decision.
So I went home, cried for two more hours and told my parents that I just didn't feel good, I felt like I was depressed and that my life was hopeless and meaningless, and I was losing sight of myself and my aspirations.
"Just quit. The money will come back as soon as you start working again. Your mental health may not."
So I quit.

I want to do things that I enjoy and that make me feel alive and accomplished and meaningful. I want to be where I'm appreciated and valued and needed.
At the end of the day, I want to be taking steps (even if they're tiny baby steps) towards my goals and aspirations. I don't want to live a "one step forward, two steps back" lifestyle. Tiny baby steps are generally what I've taken over the last year, but to me that's enough.
Leaving behind a lifestyle that I personally outgrew and no longer enjoyed was one huge step for me, though. It scared me, and made me a little bit sad, but that's how I know it's a good change. Anyone with any type of anxiety would know that literally everything scares us, but it's those really really scary things that are so worth the fear.
Everyone deserves to be where they're valued and loved and important. In all parts of your life.

And I'm not saying that I wasn't appreciated or valued, because I really can't speak for how other people feel about me. But I felt like I wasn't.
You know on TV when people are in counselling sessions and the therapist says "now always say 'I feel these emotions' not 'you make me feel these emotions'", that's what's I'm trying to say. I felt these things, regardless of how other people were actually treating me.
Basically (a really wise phrase I came up with one night in the shower)...Someone who is unknowingly hurting you, is still hurting you. 
And that goes for anyone in any way, shape, or form in your life. Whether it's a friend or family or colleague, it's all the same.
Nobody deserves to feel unwanted or unappreciated or undervalued. You just don't. And I don't know why we often just accept the way people treat us if it's not the way we personally need to be treated.
I, for instance, am a big baby and if you say mean mean things to me I will cry right in front of you and get mascara all over my face because I'm a giant adult baby.

So, I don't want to start a riot and convince everyone to quit their job and leave their toxic situations and start a new life in a small European city, but if that's what you need to do right now then so be it my dude.
But I think I did want to share my story because I know (I hope) there is at least one (maybe two) other people in the world that this resonates with.
Are you living your best life right now, or just a life? Going through the motions of a super busy or really boring or same old thing life?
I hate change, it's scary and anxiety inducing but it is so worth it. A thousand times worth it. I don't like the phrase "the grass isn't always greener on the other side" because sometimes...it actually is.
This is kind of the whole point of this post...to share my experience (the stress, tears, frustration) and hopefully help other people in similar situations. I mean, helping people is literally the whole point of my blog right?

I'm glad to be back. I'm anxious of course, because sharing my thoughts on the internet is somehow scary as if the whole entire world reads my blog. (Although I could use that kind of Adsense)
I'm going to continue doing what scares me if it creates a positive change, and writing about things that I think other people need or want to hear. (Omg I started calorie counting a few months ago and I love it and can't wait to share about it because before that I was so against it but it changed my life ok I'll save this for next post)
Anyways, my mom told me not to write something mushy and depressing as my first post back, but I must. This is who I am mother! She can't stop me! Unless she'll stop buying me really green bananas and soy coffee creamer because I love those.

Oh yeah, and if you know anyone who's hiring a writer/editor/reporter/journalist, hook a sister up. I'm kidding but also so not kidding. 

Thank you for reading. Especially if you've made it to the end. And even more if you've read most or all of my posts. It means a lot. It's cool to be able to share my writing with other people. I've always kept it to myself growing up. But this year I got to share so many awesome articles for school with hundreds of readers and it made me feel so satisfied.
Me and my fragile little heart will be here writing away because I refuse to let anything stop me again.
I decided to put myself first for the first time in a really long time and ugh, I'm so happy I did.

Budget Skincare Products for Dry Skin

            Hello friends! Welcome and thanks for joining me for another blog post. Or I as I like to call it, “Keeping Up with my Shenanigans”. (You either laughed hard at that or you didn’t and I really hope it's the former). 

            Today I want to talk about one of my favourite things to discuss which is skincare and beauty. Since I already made two very extensive posts about my favourite beauty products which you can read here and here, I wanted to dedicate today to skincare.

            I recently got on a skincare kick because I cut down the amount of times a week I wear makeup. I used to be really insecure and could not leave my house without a full face of makeup.  But recently, I started going to work and school with no makeup at all! It probably doesn’t sound like much, but it took me a long time to build up the confidence to just embrace my dark circles and red patches and wear them proudly in public. 

            Instead, I’ve been focusing on taking care of my skin and letting it breathe as often as possible. I’ve invested more money into skincare products and have experimented with a lot of new items. (I like to call this “research” instead of “excessive and unnecessary spending habits.”)

            Everything on this list are items that I use either daily or weekly. They are really affordable and are best suited for dry skin, but also great for normal or combination skin. 

a. Neutrogena Face Wash - $9.97

I discovered this face wash about six months ago when I was on the search for an affordable but gentle cleanser for my dry and irritated skin. Since it’s called “ultra-gentle”, I decided to put it to the test. I am currently on my third bottle and I keep one on my sink and one in my shower at all times because I love it so much. It truly is “ultra-gentle” on my dry skin. The thing I like about it is that it foams up really well. I use it on my Clarisonic (which I totally would have included because I swear by it but it’s not so budget friendly). It foams extremely well so I feel like I’m getting a deep clean and honestly, I have nothing bad to say about it. Neutrogena actually makes really good facial cleaners like this one too so I trust them. If you’re looking for a new face wash, try this one (but maybe wait until it goes on sale for $7.99). 

b. Ponds Dry Skin Cream - $6.97 

I think everyone and their mother has tried Ponds by now but I was one of the few who only discovered it in the last year. Every time I mention to a friend that I use it, they say they’ve used it for years! It’s amazing for dry skin and keeps me moisturized for hours. It’s also really good under makeup too. The only con I would say is that since I slather it on because I’m so dry, it does make me look really greasy. I usually solve that problem but dabbing a tissue on my forehead and cheeks which are areas I don’t need the extra moisture. And if I don’t dab it well enough, it will give my foundation a dewy look which some people like, but I don't. But it keeps my dry patches moisturized which is more important to me. I’m on my second tub which I scored for $3.99 at the Real Canadian Superstore and I really recommend this as a daily moisturizer because it’s great.  

c. Eucerin Replenishing Face Cream - $14.67

This moisturizer used to be my go-to. I say used to because when I discovered Ponds, I stopped using Eucerin since it’s about three times more expensive. I recently picked up another tube because I missed it and I know once the weather starts warming up, the greasiness of Ponds is going to annoy me. I don’t know if I got a bad tube or if they changed the formula, but I’m a little upset at how this batch applies. I’m wearing it as I write this post and it feels very thick and a little sticky on my skin. It also doesn’t sink in as well as it used to, so when I slathered my face with it this morning, I had to really rub it in until it absorbed. It used to just sink it on its own. So those are the cons and they’re only apparent with this new tube. But I will say that no matter how much I apply, I never look greasy like I do with Ponds and it keeps my face moisturized all day. Eucerin makes really amazing products for dry skin so this is their specialty. It’s also absolutely amazing under makeup. Honestly, if it wasn’t $15 a tube, I would probably use it daily but right now I designate it as my night out or long day skin cream because it really is a dependable product. 

d. Neutrogena Hydro Boost Gel Eye Cream - $19.97

I recently realized that since I have such dry skin all over my body, my under eyes are soooo dry as well too. It’s really apparent when I wear under eye concealer and set it with powder. I have crow's feet and lines (which came from years of squinting before I got contacts and is super lame considering I’m only in my early twenties). Since Botox isn’t an option for me because $$$, I’m just relying on good under eye creams to help. This cream comes from Neutrogena’s new Hydro Boost line and all of the products are made with hyaluronic acid which locks in moisture. I must say it is one of the best eye creams I’ve found for dryness. I’m extremely picky and I have sensitive under eyes that burn from a lot of products but this one doesn’t irritate me at all and is generally really good. It was a little more money than I wanted to spend on a drugstore product but so far it’s lasted a long time. I’m wearing this right now and it feels amazing, doesn’t look greasy, sinks in immediately, and is invisible. I’ve had some eye creams that leave gold or red residue which is super annoying but this is amazing to wear on days that I don’t use make up and want my eyes to be moisturized. As for dark circles and wrinkles, it does a pretty good job but I don’t think any product will get rid of those for me. I do recommend grabbing this next time it goes on sale.  

e. Thayer's Rose Petal Witch Hazel Toner - $12.99 to $17.99

I feel like most people either love or hate witch hazel. I am one of the few who absolutely loves it. I’m on my fourth or fifth bottle and I plan on repurchasing forever. I discovered this a couple of years ago when I was in need of a toner to keep my hormonal acne under control but I knew that most toners dry out my skin more than it can handle. Witch hazel is magical because not only does it help with acne but it also has anti-redness properties so it keeps my dry patches under control. Most nights, I can put on a layer of this toner and no face cream and my dry skin feels totally fine! I’d say this is good for absolutely any skin type and probably works even better under a layer of moisturizing cream (I say probably because I’m too lazy to add on more than one layer of product at night so I've never tried it). I usually find a bottle of this at Marshalls for $9.99 which is a really good price compared to the one I linked to.  

f. The Ordinary Squalene Oil - $7.90

So if we’re talking affordable products, then this brand is the queen of budget skincare. The Ordinary is an amazing brand that offers full size bottles of serums and moisturizers for usually less than $10. This oil is literally $7.90 and that just blows me away. Squalene is a really great moisturizing oil for dry skin and it was recommended by a beauty vlogger who had similar skin issues to me. The brand she recommended was pricey but when I saw that this existed for a fraction of the cost, I just had to try it. I'm now on my second bottle and I plan on repurchasing it forever. It’s moisturizing enough for the night but sometimes when I wake up, my dry patches are scaly so it doesn’t last as long as other high-end serums. But it does the job as a basic face oil and I really like it. And for the price, I don’t mind slathering my face in it because it’s so cheap. Bonus fun fact: squalene is produced naturally in both sharks’ livers and in women’s vaginas (what a gross word) and acts as a natural lubricant. But rest assured that this product is made entirely from plants. 

g. Freeman Avocado and Oatmeal Facial Clay Mask - $4.97

Freeman masks are the epitome of an amazing mask at a budget price. I mean $4.97 for a tube that lasts months and months is amazing. So far, I have tried the Dead Sea Minerals and Avocado and Oatmeal and I’ve loved both of them. The Dead Sea Minerals is a little bit drying but great for acne prone skin. The Avocado and Oatmeal is awesome for both acne and dryness and it feels amazing on my skin. I would recommend this as a basic brand for face masks since they haven’t let me down and I'm excited to try more of them.   

h. Mario Badescu Facial Spray - $11

This is another product that I'm sure everyone has heard about by now, but I still need to mention it. To be honest, I'm not even sure who Mario Badescu is but I really really like him and his products. This face spray is amazing and I use it almost every day because it feels so good on my dry skin. I’ve tried both the rosewater and cucumber scents and even though I'm a huge rose lover, I actually prefer the cucumber one a bit more. I use this spray in two ways: when I don’t wear makeup, I spritz it on my skin to wake it up a bit and add an extra layer of moisture, and when I do wear makeup, I spray it on as a refresher halfway through the day. It’s amazing for both situations. The price is pretty good but even the small bottle lasts me for months so it’s totally worth a try. I’d also say this is probably good for every single skin type, even oily. It’s very good.  

________________________________

So there you go. A few more products to add to your skincare inventory that hold a big place in my heart. 

Thanks for reading and see you next post!

Five Books To Read This Year

            Hey y’all! I hope your year is off to a great start. 

            I know I’ve been MIA for over two weeks and I wish I could say “oh I’ve been SO busy and have not had one day off!” but that would be a lie. I’ve actually just not been in the mindset to write lately and that’s about all.

            I do plan to discuss this issue in my post about living with anxiety. A huge issue I face is that I lose motivation really quickly when I’m anxious (which is, you know, always), so lately finding the energy to write this simple blog post has been hard. 

            Anyways, today’s post is about books! I’m sure there is a number of people who made a New Year’s Resolution to start reading more this year so consider me your source for a few good books to get you into the groove (even though I’m two weeks late). 

            I absolutely love reading, it is one of my favourite hobbies. And I really encourage reading a book as not only a way to escape your phone/TV/computer but it’s a really effective way to escape your negative/frazzled/worrisome thoughts. And if you read this post then you’d know how much I recommend reading to anyone with anxiety or just an overwhelming mind/thoughts/worries in general. 

            I am going to list these in order of my least to most favourite, with 1 being worst and 5 being best. Enjoy!

1. I’ll Be Gone in the Dark- Michelle McNamara

            This was actually the book I read during winter break and I just finished it so it’s fresh in my mind. This is also one of the few non-fiction books I’ve read in my life and I really enjoyed it. 

            This non-fiction book was published in February 2018 and was written by Michelle McNamara. It is about the Golden State Killer—a man who commit 13 murders, over 50 rapes, and 100 burglaries over a 12-year span. McNamara was intrigued and was intent on being part of the team that found the suspect and had him locked away. Unfortunately, she died in her sleep before the book could be published and was still in the midst of writing it. But a team of writers put the book together and published it two years after her death and only two months before the Golden State Killer was found!!

            This book was recommended by quite a few writers and journalists in April 2018 when the Golden State Killer was arrested. I decided to venture into a genre I don’t usually read and give it a go. And I’m really glad I did. The book was captivating and you can tell that McNamara was so passionate about doing investigative research on this man. She worked so hard on not only writing the book but finding out as much information as she could get and it shows. The research, interviews, and DNA sampling was really really interesting.

            The only downside is that the book didn’t really have a conclusion, mostly because McNamara never prepared one before her death. There was no ending with “and the killer is this man!” because at the time of publication, they didn’t know who he was! I knew that going into it but it was a little frustrating that it was just “who could do this?” with little answers. Also, if you’re a woman who lives alone, I probably wouldn’t recommend this just because it was about a lot of rape and murder that occurred in the middle of the night and this could scare you. I personally wasn’t scared, but that’s just because I’m more scared of ghosts and centipedes than I am of intruders. 

            If you’re interested in venturing into true crime or non-fiction books, I recommend giving this one a try, especially now that you know who the suspect is!!

2. Divergent- Veronica Roth

            I don’t really remember how this book ended up in my possession but I must say it was one of the better books I read last year. So good that I had to watch the movie right after to see how the book got adapted into a film. 

            This book reminded me a lot of The Hunger Games, in that it’s set in a futuristic world with different factions that people are separated into. It is a fiction book, written by Veronica Roth and is the first book in a trilogy. The novel revolves around the main character, Beatrice “Tris” Prior. She grew up from a family that comes from one specific faction “Abnegation” but doesn’t feel she identifies as it anymore once she reaches adulthood. She ventures off into another faction “Dauntless”, which of course disappoints her parents. Eventually, she realizes she has extra abilities and identifies as “Divergent”, hence the title. 

            I enjoyed this book because it was very fast paced and intriguing and constantly kept my attention. I had no issues with following along and I really enjoy action books, which makes no sense because I do not like action movies. The only negative was the fact that there was a lot of relationship drama involved, which for me doesn’t really attract me. If I wanted to read a love novel, I would, you know? But of course, incorporating love and relationships is what attracts a lot of people and creates drama, so I respect it. The movie was equally as good as the book and if I do ever run out of books to read one day, I will definitely finish the rest of the series!

            

3. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince- J. K. Rowling 

            In my humble and honest opinion, no list of great books is complete without at least one Harry Potter book. I recently got into HP a few years ago after years of thinking it was overhyped and for nerds (I really don’t know why I had that misconception). I read the first book during a plane ride and I was immediately hooked. I bought the entire book set last year and have read six of the seven original books (I’m holding back on the seventh one because I don’t want it to end!). I personally love the series because these are the types of books that completely consume you and transfer you to another universe. Also, when you read thousands of pages of the same characters, they eventually start to feel like family. So I recommend getting into the series if you want something to commit to, which you will because Rowling’s writing is so captivating and amazing.

            The Half-Blood Prince is the sixth book in the series and the most recent one I read, but that is not at all why it’s my favourite one (so far). Without giving too much of the story away, it basically revolves around Harry Potter as he becomes an adult, which is different from the other books when he was younger. He spends a lot of time with Dumbledore because of his special abilities to fight Voldemort (hopefully that isn’t too much of a spoiler). Quite a lot goes on in the 650 (!!) page book, so I can’t really say a lot without spoiling it all. I will, however, say that if you know anything about the shocking plot twist in the series, it happens in this book. 

            I adored this book a lot and even though it took me forever to get through, that didn’t stop me from loving it. The only cons of all of the Harry Potter books is that there are some dry sections that probably aren’t necessary and kind of drag on, and then other times there’s a big scene that goes by too quick for you to process. Otherwise, I just love Harry Potter. You can definitely read Half-Blood Prince without having read any of the other books because Rowling does a short recap about all of the characters at the beginning of each book to catch you up. 

4. The Alibi- Sandra Brown 

            I scored this book as part of a 3 for $10 deal at Indigo in the summer and I bought it because the description said it was about murder and I was intrigued. It took me about ten pages to absolutely fall in love with Sandra Brown as an author and I now own a bunch of her books.

            This fiction novel is about a man and a woman mostly, but also has a mix of other characters involved as well. It’s definitely a suspense thriller and it was the first thriller I read and totally got me hooked on that genre. The main character, Hammond Cross, has a one night stand with a female doctor. Shortly afterwards, she is accused of murder but uses Cross as her alibi, stating that she did not commit the crime because she was with him at the time. So it is a love story but with a lot of suspense, crime, and law involved.

            This was one of the few books I’ve read that is the definition of a page turner. I normally can put down a book and finish reading it whenever I want, but I barreled through this book because I just had to know what happened and the suspense was amazing. Hence why I became an instant fan of Sandra Brown.

            I think the only con of this book was that at times it was a little redundant and dragged on. But I knew that if I got through one small section that was boring, the rest would be amazing. This book is on sale for so cheap, I mean mine was literally $3 so if you ever happen to see it, definitely pick it up. 

5. My Sister’s Keeper- Jodi Picoult

            This book changed my life. I adore absolutely everything about it and I read it nearly ten years ago and it still holds a huge place in my heart! I was introduced to My Sister’s Keeper in high school when I chose it to write a book report on it. It’s a looooong book, 432 pages to be exact, but I wanted to take on the challenge of a big book.The reason I’m an avid reader and writer today is largely because of how amazing this book was.

            My Sister’s Keeper is a fiction novel about a girl named Anna who was born to an older sister named Kate, who has cancer. Anna was created as an organ and blood donor for her older sister. She spends most of the book resentful of her sister because of the fact that she’s spent a huge part of her life in the hospital being a savior. 

            I loved absolutely everything about this book and as far as I can remember, there was nothing specific that I disliked. The biggest part that knocked my socks off was the complete twist that happened around three quarters into the book. It was so severe, I remember gasping, slowly putting down the book, and staring at a wall until I could comprehend what happened. Side note: they did NOT include the twist in the movie which to this day infuriates me. So if you’ve seen the movie and know the plot, or saw the movie and disliked it, it’s still worth reading the book because the story is vastly different. Another huge thing I loved was that it was actually written in various different voices. Usually books are narrated by either one third person voice or by the main character, but in this one each chapter was narrated by a different person with a different personality and perspective and it really made the story interesting. It also made me fall in love with Jodi Picoult’s writing and I’ve read quite a few of her books since and none have let me down (but this one is my favourite). 

            If you are up for a long, but very easy and enjoyable read, I 10000% recommend this one. It will (hopefully) change your life and make you appreciate your good health a lot, as well as just give you something to look forward to reading everyday!! 

Don't forget to love yourself first

          Hi friends, welcome to another blog post. If you’re new, welcome! I’m Stefanie, I’m a 23-year-old Canadian and I blog about life and all it entails. 

         Today I’m going to tell you a love story.

         Before you roll your eyes and click out—this is not a love story involving a man and I. In fact, it is a love story involving only one person: me. 

         I fell in love with myself about a year and I half ago and I haven’t looked back. That probably sounds a little funny if you’ve never experienced something like this but the story is worth it. 

         I’ve wanted to share this experience for a really long time. I know it’s been quite a while since it happened and I am completely over it but this is something that people usually keep quiet about and I want to share my story for those who can relate and for those who need to hear it.

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         When I was 21, I got my heart broken by a boy I was in love with. When I was left to pick up the pieces, I quickly realized that I had lost a huge chunk of who I was and in order to put myself back together, I had to meet someone else—my own self.

         I found myself on dating apps trying to fill in the emptiness that he left. I’d talk to a guy and immediately he’d say, “so what are your hobbies?” That one little question left me sitting in shock unable to give a straight answer. I sat there for minutes staring at a blank chat box, thinking, “I honestly don’t know. I don’t know who I am.”

         That was the moment I realized this was going to take a long time of self love and picking myself back up in order to learn who I am and figure myself out. I spent years sharing my life with another person and engrained so much of my identity into the fact that I was a girlfriend before I was anything else in the world. And when I no longer had that title, I didn’t have an identity. I felt like I lost everything about myself. 

         (Before you judge me, please realize I was still exiting my teenage years when this occurred.) 

         Eventually I started going about my life picking out things I do on a daily basis that I enjoy and realized that they are part of who I am and what I love. 

         ‘Oh yeah, I guess you could say makeup is a hobby because I do it almost everyday.

         Hmm maybe reading is my hobby because I look forward to my morning coffee and light reading. 

         Shopping is certainly one of my hobbies, no doubt about it.’

         Slowly but surely I started to meet my own self again, like an old friend I had a falling out with. And I started to realize that I’m a really cool person. 

         I learned that if some boy couldn’t see my worth, that wasn’t at all reflective of who I am as a person. I’m great. I’m amazing. I’m beautiful and sassy and funny. I’m everything I could ever want to be and I will always be perfect whether anyone else in the world sees it or not. (Not you, Mom, I know you'll always think I’m perfect.) 

         It didn’t take me long to fall in love with myself if I’m being honest. Probably about the same time as it takes to fall in love with someone else. And I don’t mean love as in I’m a crazy lady who’s going to legally marry herself.

         I just realized that I’m worthy of love and the best person who can love me on every single day of the year is me. I know that I’ll never break my own heart, that I’ll always have my own back, and I’m the best person I can count on when I’m in need of a friend. I really and whole heartedly love myself. And that was something that took me years (about 21 to be exact) to figure out.   

         If I could give any advice to my younger self or to a young girl who’s just discovering herself, dating, and the world in general, it’s to never ever sacrifice your self worth for anybody else. 

         Before you can fall in love with someone, I think you should be sure that you know who you are and how much you’re worth (which is more than money can buy, of course). 
         Develop a self confidence that makes people turn their heads in your direction. Learn everything about yourself before you share your life and your heart with someone else. You should be able to look yourself in the mirror and recognize the face looking back at you as the most beautiful and captivating person in the room at all times. 

         If you make the same mistake that I did and just throw yourself into a relationship before you’re ready and know who you are as a human, you’re going to lose so much of yourself to someone that may end up taking advantage of your naivety. 

         I didn’t know my self worth. I was so desperate for any boy to validate my existence that I just accepted the first one that came and wanted him forever. So I didn’t know that when that one boy eventually starting taking my naïve heart for granted and couldn’t decide whether he wanted to be with me or not, it was up to me say, “No. I’m not here when you want me and gone when you don’t. Don’t call me when you make up your mind.” I didn’t do that because I didn’t know I was worth a thousand million trillion more dollars than he took me for. But I know it now. 

         I know for the next person that I am worth everything and the right person will see that in me from the start. I’ll know when to walk away and when to fight for love. I’ll know that when I sense him pushing me away and questioning whether he wants to be with me, I’ll leave in a heartbeat because someone who doesn't see my worth 24/7 doesn't deserve me at all.

         I promise to myself (and you have my word now that it’s in writing) that I will never lose myself and my values to anybody in the world. I won’t sacrifice the things I love because it doesn’t fit in with someone else’s lifestyle or because they can’t see the value in the things that I enjoy. 

         The road to falling in love with my own self has been very long but also very busy. I don’t even have the time or patience to fall in love with anyone right now. It’s actually starting to get to the point where people are questioning whether I’m going to spend my life alone or if I’m "not into boys anymore", and omg if I ever bought a cat I think everyone would assume the rest of my life is doomed to cat lady status. But I’m happy, and that’s all that truly matters. 

         One day, I will find the one who’s meant for me but in the meantime I’m okay with that person being the face I see when I look in the mirror. I refuse to sacrifice my self worth for anyone that doesn’t see the sun shine out of my butt.

         If you’re young and you still have the time to spend falling in love with yourself, I recommend doing this above anything and everything. If you think you’re too old to waste a year or two on just yourself, keep in mind that falling in love with anyone else depends on your ability to love your own self before you give some of that love away. I know it may seem like a waste of energy and time to just fall in love with yourself but I can guarantee it will be worth it. I can sit here and tell you how much you’re worth but you’ll never truly know until you figure it out yourself.

         Remember that who you are when you’re alone and at your happiest is probably who you truly are as a person. If you become an alter ego when you’re around your significant other but you’re not truly happy, is it really worth it for a little bit of arm candy?

         I hope anyone who’s reading this who needed a little push to just focus on themselves for a little while got the motivation to. Hopefully that doesn’t mean that you have to dump your boyfriend and move to the Maldives but if that’s that what it takes then, so be it.

         
         Wishing everyone an amazing Christmas and that you remember to express some self love this holiday season. Buy yourself an expensive gift gurl, you deserve it. And don’t forget to fall in love with yourself too.