Sometimes you have to put yourself first or you'll always come last

Hello!! Hello....hi....
I've been gone. A very very long time. I've thought about my blog over and over again but I have been going through a jumble of emotions in my absence and had this weird kind of anxious writer's block so I just had no motivation or energy to write.
Basically....and without sharing every single thing that has happened over the last **mumbled number cause it's grossly high** months, my life has been super busy and chaotic and in the process of change.
I've actually tried like five times to write a blog post. Seriously, I have five drafts of half written posts about various different things, but I never followed through on posting them.
And then there was that nagging little voice I like to call my anxiety that would whisper "nobodyyyyy cares" or "don't botherrrr, seriously nobody caresssss" so that was holding me back too. (I feel I should clarify that those are actually just my internal thoughts and that I don't hear voices)
However, I'm currently sitting down with a cup of coffee and a candle burning and I'm finally (finally!) feeling like myself again. A miracle, I say!

I don't even know where to start right now, my mind is racing a mile a minute because I have so much that I want to say it before I forget or get too anxious to share it.
Since the last time I posted, a lot of things have happened.
I finished two semesters of post grad school, which means I'm done the entire program! I cannot believe a whole year went by and in that time I've gotten so much experience, learned a ton of things, and met so many amazing people (who will now just be distant memories in my heart because that's just how life goes).
During my summer semester, I got chosen to be Editor-in-Chief of my school's news website (well ok...first I was Managing Editor, which is still like, a high honour but then our EIC got a job and left so I got "promoted"). It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, super exhausting (8-10 hour days) but made me feel so happy and satisfied.
Then I had an internship I was supposed to start in June and they contacted me and told me they were shutting down and could no longer offer me it....three days before my start date. I loved that part. Really not nerve wracking, and did not make my life feel upside down. But c'est la vie. Two months later (after a lot of rejection emails) (rip self esteem), I finally found another internship that I started earlier this month and I really really enjoy it. (I'm currently procrastinating work I need to do for that by writing this post, sos)
I never realized how cool a partially work from home job would be until I started doing it. I only go into the office once or twice a week, otherwise I send most of my "professional" emails from my bed in my pyjamas.
Within my first shift at my internship, I already felt so welcomed and valued. It was such a refreshing and awesome feeling. Even the little busy work I do is enjoyable because I know that in a few weeks all my little tasks will add up and contribute to the publication of a magazine and my name will be in it! It's such a cool feeling.

So...yeah. I've been busy. During my summer semester I did four days of school and four days of work and if you do the math, that equals eight and there is not eight days in a week, so that means that I'm exhausted!!
At first, I really enjoyed the go go go life, it kept me occupied and on my feet, and I felt like I wasn't wasting away my summer days.
But then I realized how many months had gone by since I've written any blog posts, or even picked up a book to read. That's not like me. At my core, one of my biggest passions in life (besides like, french fries and puppies) is writing. And I totally stopped.
I wanted to believe that it was because I was so busy. I had one, maybe two days a week off and on those days I either had cleaning to do or errands to run, or just wanted to lie in bed like a potato and that's essentially why I stopped doing things I love.
But then you do it over and over, week after week, and "I'm just too busy or tired or xyz" becomes "I just don't feel passionate about this anymore" or "I have no motivation" and it's not very good.
I've never considered myself an aspirational person until about last year when I found myself daydreaming about the day my own book comes out, or being Editor-in-Chief of a renowned magazine, or...just having a job where I can write from home in my pyjamas.
So, I need to keep that passion. I can't just suppress it because I don't have the time or energy, but I can't create time when I genuinely have none, and I can't build up energy unless I take the time to rest.
What I thought was me keeping myself super occupied, running around from school to work to bed to work to hanging out with friends to bed to internship, and so on...really just became me living a life that I wasn't really enjoying.
It really hit me when I sat down and thought about the last time I felt genuinely excited to do something, and I realized....I couldn't remember.
Nothing excited me anymore, nothing made me feel like I was living my best life, and I would wake up in the morning, think about everything I have to do and everywhere I had to be...and I just didn't want to. It sucked.
Just a few weeks ago, I was lying in bed one morning before a shift at work (my retail job, not my internship), and I felt so numb and drained. The thought of getting up and spending six hours on a Saturday to go to a job that had no future or positive impact on me was just...depressing.
But I kept telling myself over and over again that it was for the money and to get out of the house, and although that worked for a while, eventually it just became too much.
I realized that I was staying at my job to keep my parents happy by having my own money and keep my understaffed managers happy by helping out and keep my friends happy by being able to afford going out often but then I said.....but what the heck am I doing to keep myself happy? Nothing, really.
I wasn't passionate or excited or content with my life. I was just going through the motions of a lifestyle that was keeping everyone around me satisfied, but I felt nothing.

One night, I walked out of work (on a Friday because I love working weekend nights since I have no social life or friends). I got into my car and sat there and just started bawling my eyes out. Like that gasping for air, I don't know why I'm crying, oh geez there's a guy in a car driving past me and we just made eye contact and this is embarrassing...kind of bawling. And I drove home like nothing happened.
Then I showered, went to bed, and woke up the next day and went to work pretending I was okay. And I did it again the next day, and the next day, and again and again.
But finally, one day I called my mom (once again sobbing because I'm a giant baby), and I had zero reason to be so upset except that it was a busy day and I was overwhelmed physically and mentally. She told me to quit. Like that day, on the spot. And I was like...who are you? In this house we don't do anything spontaneously, we sit and sleep on it for 47 days until we are good and ready to make a decision.
So I went home, cried for two more hours and told my parents that I just didn't feel good, I felt like I was depressed and that my life was hopeless and meaningless, and I was losing sight of myself and my aspirations.
"Just quit. The money will come back as soon as you start working again. Your mental health may not."
So I quit.

I want to do things that I enjoy and that make me feel alive and accomplished and meaningful. I want to be where I'm appreciated and valued and needed.
At the end of the day, I want to be taking steps (even if they're tiny baby steps) towards my goals and aspirations. I don't want to live a "one step forward, two steps back" lifestyle. Tiny baby steps are generally what I've taken over the last year, but to me that's enough.
Leaving behind a lifestyle that I personally outgrew and no longer enjoyed was one huge step for me, though. It scared me, and made me a little bit sad, but that's how I know it's a good change. Anyone with any type of anxiety would know that literally everything scares us, but it's those really really scary things that are so worth the fear.
Everyone deserves to be where they're valued and loved and important. In all parts of your life.

And I'm not saying that I wasn't appreciated or valued, because I really can't speak for how other people feel about me. But I felt like I wasn't.
You know on TV when people are in counselling sessions and the therapist says "now always say 'I feel these emotions' not 'you make me feel these emotions'", that's what's I'm trying to say. I felt these things, regardless of how other people were actually treating me.
Basically (a really wise phrase I came up with one night in the shower)...Someone who is unknowingly hurting you, is still hurting you. 
And that goes for anyone in any way, shape, or form in your life. Whether it's a friend or family or colleague, it's all the same.
Nobody deserves to feel unwanted or unappreciated or undervalued. You just don't. And I don't know why we often just accept the way people treat us if it's not the way we personally need to be treated.
I, for instance, am a big baby and if you say mean mean things to me I will cry right in front of you and get mascara all over my face because I'm a giant adult baby.

So, I don't want to start a riot and convince everyone to quit their job and leave their toxic situations and start a new life in a small European city, but if that's what you need to do right now then so be it my dude.
But I think I did want to share my story because I know (I hope) there is at least one (maybe two) other people in the world that this resonates with.
Are you living your best life right now, or just a life? Going through the motions of a super busy or really boring or same old thing life?
I hate change, it's scary and anxiety inducing but it is so worth it. A thousand times worth it. I don't like the phrase "the grass isn't always greener on the other side" because sometimes...it actually is.
This is kind of the whole point of this post...to share my experience (the stress, tears, frustration) and hopefully help other people in similar situations. I mean, helping people is literally the whole point of my blog right?

I'm glad to be back. I'm anxious of course, because sharing my thoughts on the internet is somehow scary as if the whole entire world reads my blog. (Although I could use that kind of Adsense)
I'm going to continue doing what scares me if it creates a positive change, and writing about things that I think other people need or want to hear. (Omg I started calorie counting a few months ago and I love it and can't wait to share about it because before that I was so against it but it changed my life ok I'll save this for next post)
Anyways, my mom told me not to write something mushy and depressing as my first post back, but I must. This is who I am mother! She can't stop me! Unless she'll stop buying me really green bananas and soy coffee creamer because I love those.

Oh yeah, and if you know anyone who's hiring a writer/editor/reporter/journalist, hook a sister up. I'm kidding but also so not kidding. 

Thank you for reading. Especially if you've made it to the end. And even more if you've read most or all of my posts. It means a lot. It's cool to be able to share my writing with other people. I've always kept it to myself growing up. But this year I got to share so many awesome articles for school with hundreds of readers and it made me feel so satisfied.
Me and my fragile little heart will be here writing away because I refuse to let anything stop me again.
I decided to put myself first for the first time in a really long time and ugh, I'm so happy I did.

Budget Skincare Products for Dry Skin

            Hello friends! Welcome and thanks for joining me for another blog post. Or I as I like to call it, “Keeping Up with my Shenanigans”. (You either laughed hard at that or you didn’t and I really hope it's the former). 

            Today I want to talk about one of my favourite things to discuss which is skincare and beauty. Since I already made two very extensive posts about my favourite beauty products which you can read here and here, I wanted to dedicate today to skincare.

            I recently got on a skincare kick because I cut down the amount of times a week I wear makeup. I used to be really insecure and could not leave my house without a full face of makeup.  But recently, I started going to work and school with no makeup at all! It probably doesn’t sound like much, but it took me a long time to build up the confidence to just embrace my dark circles and red patches and wear them proudly in public. 

            Instead, I’ve been focusing on taking care of my skin and letting it breathe as often as possible. I’ve invested more money into skincare products and have experimented with a lot of new items. (I like to call this “research” instead of “excessive and unnecessary spending habits.”)

            Everything on this list are items that I use either daily or weekly. They are really affordable and are best suited for dry skin, but also great for normal or combination skin. 

a. Neutrogena Face Wash - $9.97

I discovered this face wash about six months ago when I was on the search for an affordable but gentle cleanser for my dry and irritated skin. Since it’s called “ultra-gentle”, I decided to put it to the test. I am currently on my third bottle and I keep one on my sink and one in my shower at all times because I love it so much. It truly is “ultra-gentle” on my dry skin. The thing I like about it is that it foams up really well. I use it on my Clarisonic (which I totally would have included because I swear by it but it’s not so budget friendly). It foams extremely well so I feel like I’m getting a deep clean and honestly, I have nothing bad to say about it. Neutrogena actually makes really good facial cleaners like this one too so I trust them. If you’re looking for a new face wash, try this one (but maybe wait until it goes on sale for $7.99). 

b. Ponds Dry Skin Cream - $6.97 

I think everyone and their mother has tried Ponds by now but I was one of the few who only discovered it in the last year. Every time I mention to a friend that I use it, they say they’ve used it for years! It’s amazing for dry skin and keeps me moisturized for hours. It’s also really good under makeup too. The only con I would say is that since I slather it on because I’m so dry, it does make me look really greasy. I usually solve that problem but dabbing a tissue on my forehead and cheeks which are areas I don’t need the extra moisture. And if I don’t dab it well enough, it will give my foundation a dewy look which some people like, but I don't. But it keeps my dry patches moisturized which is more important to me. I’m on my second tub which I scored for $3.99 at the Real Canadian Superstore and I really recommend this as a daily moisturizer because it’s great.  

c. Eucerin Replenishing Face Cream - $14.67

This moisturizer used to be my go-to. I say used to because when I discovered Ponds, I stopped using Eucerin since it’s about three times more expensive. I recently picked up another tube because I missed it and I know once the weather starts warming up, the greasiness of Ponds is going to annoy me. I don’t know if I got a bad tube or if they changed the formula, but I’m a little upset at how this batch applies. I’m wearing it as I write this post and it feels very thick and a little sticky on my skin. It also doesn’t sink in as well as it used to, so when I slathered my face with it this morning, I had to really rub it in until it absorbed. It used to just sink it on its own. So those are the cons and they’re only apparent with this new tube. But I will say that no matter how much I apply, I never look greasy like I do with Ponds and it keeps my face moisturized all day. Eucerin makes really amazing products for dry skin so this is their specialty. It’s also absolutely amazing under makeup. Honestly, if it wasn’t $15 a tube, I would probably use it daily but right now I designate it as my night out or long day skin cream because it really is a dependable product. 

d. Neutrogena Hydro Boost Gel Eye Cream - $19.97

I recently realized that since I have such dry skin all over my body, my under eyes are soooo dry as well too. It’s really apparent when I wear under eye concealer and set it with powder. I have crow's feet and lines (which came from years of squinting before I got contacts and is super lame considering I’m only in my early twenties). Since Botox isn’t an option for me because $$$, I’m just relying on good under eye creams to help. This cream comes from Neutrogena’s new Hydro Boost line and all of the products are made with hyaluronic acid which locks in moisture. I must say it is one of the best eye creams I’ve found for dryness. I’m extremely picky and I have sensitive under eyes that burn from a lot of products but this one doesn’t irritate me at all and is generally really good. It was a little more money than I wanted to spend on a drugstore product but so far it’s lasted a long time. I’m wearing this right now and it feels amazing, doesn’t look greasy, sinks in immediately, and is invisible. I’ve had some eye creams that leave gold or red residue which is super annoying but this is amazing to wear on days that I don’t use make up and want my eyes to be moisturized. As for dark circles and wrinkles, it does a pretty good job but I don’t think any product will get rid of those for me. I do recommend grabbing this next time it goes on sale.  

e. Thayer's Rose Petal Witch Hazel Toner - $12.99 to $17.99

I feel like most people either love or hate witch hazel. I am one of the few who absolutely loves it. I’m on my fourth or fifth bottle and I plan on repurchasing forever. I discovered this a couple of years ago when I was in need of a toner to keep my hormonal acne under control but I knew that most toners dry out my skin more than it can handle. Witch hazel is magical because not only does it help with acne but it also has anti-redness properties so it keeps my dry patches under control. Most nights, I can put on a layer of this toner and no face cream and my dry skin feels totally fine! I’d say this is good for absolutely any skin type and probably works even better under a layer of moisturizing cream (I say probably because I’m too lazy to add on more than one layer of product at night so I've never tried it). I usually find a bottle of this at Marshalls for $9.99 which is a really good price compared to the one I linked to.  

f. The Ordinary Squalene Oil - $7.90

So if we’re talking affordable products, then this brand is the queen of budget skincare. The Ordinary is an amazing brand that offers full size bottles of serums and moisturizers for usually less than $10. This oil is literally $7.90 and that just blows me away. Squalene is a really great moisturizing oil for dry skin and it was recommended by a beauty vlogger who had similar skin issues to me. The brand she recommended was pricey but when I saw that this existed for a fraction of the cost, I just had to try it. I'm now on my second bottle and I plan on repurchasing it forever. It’s moisturizing enough for the night but sometimes when I wake up, my dry patches are scaly so it doesn’t last as long as other high-end serums. But it does the job as a basic face oil and I really like it. And for the price, I don’t mind slathering my face in it because it’s so cheap. Bonus fun fact: squalene is produced naturally in both sharks’ livers and in women’s vaginas (what a gross word) and acts as a natural lubricant. But rest assured that this product is made entirely from plants. 

g. Freeman Avocado and Oatmeal Facial Clay Mask - $4.97

Freeman masks are the epitome of an amazing mask at a budget price. I mean $4.97 for a tube that lasts months and months is amazing. So far, I have tried the Dead Sea Minerals and Avocado and Oatmeal and I’ve loved both of them. The Dead Sea Minerals is a little bit drying but great for acne prone skin. The Avocado and Oatmeal is awesome for both acne and dryness and it feels amazing on my skin. I would recommend this as a basic brand for face masks since they haven’t let me down and I'm excited to try more of them.   

h. Mario Badescu Facial Spray - $11

This is another product that I'm sure everyone has heard about by now, but I still need to mention it. To be honest, I'm not even sure who Mario Badescu is but I really really like him and his products. This face spray is amazing and I use it almost every day because it feels so good on my dry skin. I’ve tried both the rosewater and cucumber scents and even though I'm a huge rose lover, I actually prefer the cucumber one a bit more. I use this spray in two ways: when I don’t wear makeup, I spritz it on my skin to wake it up a bit and add an extra layer of moisture, and when I do wear makeup, I spray it on as a refresher halfway through the day. It’s amazing for both situations. The price is pretty good but even the small bottle lasts me for months so it’s totally worth a try. I’d also say this is probably good for every single skin type, even oily. It’s very good.  

________________________________

So there you go. A few more products to add to your skincare inventory that hold a big place in my heart. 

Thanks for reading and see you next post!

I'm a living paradox

         Hello! I’ve been absent for quite a while and it’s because of how hectic this semester has been. I had an actual slap in the face with how much work I have to do for the next couple of months.

         But anyways that’s a pathetic excuse for not posting weekly like I planned to. I am very small and very tired and I am writing non-stop this semester so my brain (and also my fingers!) are exhausted. 

         I hope everyone else is doing well though!!! Hopefully your first month of the year has been a little less hectic than mine.

         Last week, Canada celebrated Bell Let’s Talk Day and I actually went to a panel talk to cover for an article that I wrote for school which you can *wink wink* read here.

         I also recently went to another more casual talk about mental health that was hosted by an amazing YouTuber, Joey Kidney. I covered that for school too so it will be publicly posted soon!!

         So, as if it’s not obvious enough, I am not only a mental health activist, but I’m pretty educated on it and I’m very aware of the constant state of my own mental health.

         This post is loooong but since it’s so overdue, it’s kind of a jumble of my thoughts as I sat down to write. This was written over three days so if it seems like it’s here, there, and everywhere, that’s why. Hopefully this makes up for my absence, and I won’t be offended if it takes you a few days to get through reading it. 

         Also a side note related to this post, my future posts, and hopefully your own vocabulary here on out. I read a tweet the other day that said something along the lines of: referring to people’s mental illnesses by saying they are ‘struggling’ or ‘suffering’ just means that they are losing their fight. Saying that someone is ‘battling a mental illness’ insinuates that they are fighting and winning. 

         So, from here on out, I’ve made it my own goal and I hope you can take something from this too. Saying that someone is struggling and suffering from a mental health issue doesn’t give them the opportunity to be seen as battling and overcoming a lengthy match. 

         

         Back to scheduled programming.

         I talk about my anxiety, a lot. I’m very open about it, I have zero shame and I am 100% certain that I am battling my anxiety. Very recently, I have been pushing myself out of the comfort zone that my anxiety puts me in and I’ve felt a thousand times better than I have in a long time.

         I am not suffering, at all. As I’ve said before and will say a thousand more times on my blog, I have high functioning anxiety. Which means that my anxiety is very active in my day to day life but I function well and I am very successful despite it. Some days, my anxiety actually pushes me to do things out of precaution or worry which benefits me. Obviously I still have my downfalls, my bad days, and my anxiety attacks. But normally I go about my day to day life completely aware that my anxiety is irrational and over reactive and I try my hardest not to let it have a strong hold of myself.

         So, if I don’t reach out to you often or at all, it’s not because I don’t think you can help, or I don’t want you to know about what I’m going through, or any other reason to exclude you from my life. I have battled my anxiety for over a decade, completely alone. And I intend to continue doing just that. I am a very independent person and I rarely reach out to anyone for help with anything in general because I want to do everything by myself. I know that I can overcome my anxiety everyday with me, myself, and I. I don’t want to invalidate my strength as a human being by constantly running to others to console me. 

         In fact, I actually had an anxiety counsellor for a few months. I stopped talking to her because I didn’t like depending on someone else to help me with something that was completely personal to me. I couldn’t handle being encouraged and pushed by someone else to overcome my fears and anxieties because I need my motivation to come from within. 

         Something she would constantly tell me was that she was so impressed and a little bit surprised by the fact that I am so aware of how my anxiety affects me but I don’t do anything to stop it. She said that most people aren’t aware that they’re losing out on life because of anxiety. But I would constantly say “I know this stupid” or “I know I shouldn’t worry about that” which she said is such a breakthrough because that means I’m completely aware of the way my brain malfunctions, I just haven’t mastered the art of not letting it control my life. 

         So, just further proof that I want and can go through this alone most days because I know I am smart enough and strong enough to.  

         When I need an emotional or physical hug, I will reach out. The times I do are few and far between, but I promise you when I need you, I will come. This past year has been exhausting because of school, but I’ve generally felt in control and I want to get through my fear of growing up and starting my career completely alone. 

         It also goes without saying that anxiety is so irrational that I can’t even get the words to describe it out of my mouth. The things I’ve had anxiety attacks over for the past few months have been so stupid that I just can’t have anyone know that this is what plagues me. So I keep it to myself, go to bed, and hope I’m over it by the morning. Most days I am. Each day brings a new little struggle and I’ve become very good at getting over little hurdles completely alone. I’m proud of myself, I feel strong emotionally and spiritually and when I meet a hurdle that I feel too weak to get over alone, I will reach out to anyone and everyone who can help me. 

         I also want to say that I made my blog to share my journey with anxiety, life, and everything in between as a way to attract people who want to read about someone else who feels the same way or goes through the same things as they do. For some people, hearing me share my own personal experiences might bring you comfort and relief and help you feel less alone in a world that’s full of alienation and exclusion. I personally feel like I was put on this earth to help other people because I am strong enough to battle my own mental health issues and I can teach and guide others who are just like me. 

         All I ask of the people who care about me is to please don’t underestimate how strong I am. I’ve gone through a lot, completely alone, and I am so extremely proud of myself for that. 

         If in the past I’ve said that I’m “struggling” or “suffering”, I now recognize that those words are completely wiped from my vocabulary and I will no longer use them. But if I say I feel “overwhelmed” or “extremely anxious”, I also recognize that these feelings are not key characteristics of who I am, and most importantly are not permanent. 

         I can temporarily feel overcome with anxiety for short or long periods of time, but at the end of it all, the goal is to overcome my anxiety using the tools I’ve learned and my very strong determinance.  I may choose to reach out to others for a little boost, motivation, or just a venting session or I might spend many days alone, in silence, solitude, and protection from the world. It’s really my choice. I’m not going to force myself to ask for help if I don’t want or need it. 

         That’s where I want to say to you: do what you need to do to feel better. If you want to talk to someone about what you’re going through, then do it. If your mental illness makes you want to seclude yourself from the world until you feel better, do that too. You weren’t put on the earth to suffer in a way that hurts and alienates you, you’re here to battle everything that comes your way in however long it takes and with however many people you need on your team. 

         For me, my team is usually me, myself, and I. Some days, it’s me, myself, and my mom. Sometimes it’s me, myself, and only one specific friend who can understand what I’m currently going through. Sometimes, it’s me, myself, and Netflix or me, myself, and a lot of sleep. Everyday is something new and each day I learn and adapt to my changing life. 

         I realized quite a while ago that I might be a walking paradox. I find when I’m writing about myself in general, but mostly about my anxiety, that I contradict myself a lot. You might have noticed this about me (or yourself) too. It makes me very self conscious when I share my anxieties (yes talking about my anxiety gives me anxiety), but I always push myself to just click publish and share my story because I want to help other people who feel similar. 

         I know that sometimes I say I am or have been extremely anxious and other times I say that I am strong, independent woman but that’s what the paradox is all about. It changes everyday and guess what? So do I. I would be nothing if I didn’t learn to be flexible and adapt to my changing life and state of my mind. 

         For example, in my post a few months ago, I said that I have an irrational fear of birthday parties. Which is still true for the most part. But the other night I went to a birthday party. And I wasn’t anxious about it at all. Actually, when I woke up the morning of, I felt almost…excited? I was sitting in bed like what is this feeling I’m feeling? Tis not anxiety, tis almost excitement. It was such a breakthrough for me. Again, I sound like I’m contradicting myself but really this is just part of growth for me. 

         I’m also really paradoxical in my behaviour. Some days I have absolutely nothing to say and others you can’t shut me up. In some situations, I’m the life of the party and others I’m a wallflower with no desire to fit in. It really depends on my state of mind, the people around me, and possibly……the direction of the sun. It’s unpredictable is what I’m trying to say. But that’s how I am and I live on a take it or leave it basis. 

         

         I know from my studies and experiences that mental health issues are not constant. If you know anyone or you yourself have a mental illness, then you will know that every single day brings something different. Especially for people battling depression, there are some days they they function pretty well and go to to work or do their day to day duties and get along fine. But other days they hit a brick wall and can’t leave their bed. The very nature of mental health issues is that they are never in a state of constancy. That’s why they’re so unpredictable and so nerve wracking.

         I never know how I’m going to feel when I wake up. It makes me feel, for lack of a better word, very anxious. I get anxious about whether I will wake up anxious. It sounds so ridiculous but I think if you understand exactly what I’m talking about, then you’ll nod and agree. 

         This is and always has been a journey for me and I think my anxiety is such an important part of who I am. I would not be wary and cautious without it but sometimes I also think I need it to be careful of the things I say and do because I need some form of self control. (Also, I tend to have no filter on the things I say so without being anxious about the response I get, I would be spewing out stupid things all day). (Maybe that’s why I’m a writer……I think I just like to talk…….although people who have seen me sit alone in silence in a crowded room would disagree). (Ugh, I’m such a paradox). 

         

         My advice to you is to just do what makes you happy. Practice self care as often and as much as you need to. Try to become aware of the things you’re feeling and ask yourself why you’re feeling that way and if you’re feeling ambitious, try stopping yourself from feeling negatively. 

         It’s very easy to say “I’m so anxious” or “I’m feeling so xyz” but the challenge is asking yourself “why am I feeling so xyz?” I know I have the type of anxiety that always has a “trigger” and even if I feel like there’s no cause, deep down I know there is something I’m suppressing that’s making me feel this way. 

         My second piece of advice is to slow down. Maybe even stop. I mean it’s hard to stop when you live a very busy life or even a normal life where you need to be constantly on the go. My life right now has been the busiest it’s ever been, but I still take the time every now and then to slow myself down and just let myself relax. 

         During my first semester of post grad school, I accidentally committed myself to six day weeks between work and school. At one point, work got busy so I did fifteen days straight. On the fourteenth day I had a breakdown in my bedroom ten minutes before my shift started. It was over the stupidest thing but I had worked myself to the bone so my brain had a temper tantrum in an effort to try to slow me down. It worked, and after that I decided to cool it down and sacrifice a few extra dollars so that I could have days off and mentally recover from my busy life. 

         You need a day off. Honestly at least once, maybe even twice a week. They’re called “five-day work weeks” for a reason. People who have to constantly surround themselves by other people and make plans on their days off confuse me. Aren’t they exhausted? I hope they’re taking the time to slow themselves down. And I hope you are too.

         

         Thank you for reading and I look very forward to next my post. It’s going to be about something very personal but also that I know millions of people also suffer—NAY, battle, on a daily basis.

         Wishing you a wonderful day, night, month, year, lifetime and I’ll see y’all on the flipside.

Five Books To Read This Year

            Hey y’all! I hope your year is off to a great start. 

            I know I’ve been MIA for over two weeks and I wish I could say “oh I’ve been SO busy and have not had one day off!” but that would be a lie. I’ve actually just not been in the mindset to write lately and that’s about all.

            I do plan to discuss this issue in my post about living with anxiety. A huge issue I face is that I lose motivation really quickly when I’m anxious (which is, you know, always), so lately finding the energy to write this simple blog post has been hard. 

            Anyways, today’s post is about books! I’m sure there is a number of people who made a New Year’s Resolution to start reading more this year so consider me your source for a few good books to get you into the groove (even though I’m two weeks late). 

            I absolutely love reading, it is one of my favourite hobbies. And I really encourage reading a book as not only a way to escape your phone/TV/computer but it’s a really effective way to escape your negative/frazzled/worrisome thoughts. And if you read this post then you’d know how much I recommend reading to anyone with anxiety or just an overwhelming mind/thoughts/worries in general. 

            I am going to list these in order of my least to most favourite, with 1 being worst and 5 being best. Enjoy!

1. I’ll Be Gone in the Dark- Michelle McNamara

            This was actually the book I read during winter break and I just finished it so it’s fresh in my mind. This is also one of the few non-fiction books I’ve read in my life and I really enjoyed it. 

            This non-fiction book was published in February 2018 and was written by Michelle McNamara. It is about the Golden State Killer—a man who commit 13 murders, over 50 rapes, and 100 burglaries over a 12-year span. McNamara was intrigued and was intent on being part of the team that found the suspect and had him locked away. Unfortunately, she died in her sleep before the book could be published and was still in the midst of writing it. But a team of writers put the book together and published it two years after her death and only two months before the Golden State Killer was found!!

            This book was recommended by quite a few writers and journalists in April 2018 when the Golden State Killer was arrested. I decided to venture into a genre I don’t usually read and give it a go. And I’m really glad I did. The book was captivating and you can tell that McNamara was so passionate about doing investigative research on this man. She worked so hard on not only writing the book but finding out as much information as she could get and it shows. The research, interviews, and DNA sampling was really really interesting.

            The only downside is that the book didn’t really have a conclusion, mostly because McNamara never prepared one before her death. There was no ending with “and the killer is this man!” because at the time of publication, they didn’t know who he was! I knew that going into it but it was a little frustrating that it was just “who could do this?” with little answers. Also, if you’re a woman who lives alone, I probably wouldn’t recommend this just because it was about a lot of rape and murder that occurred in the middle of the night and this could scare you. I personally wasn’t scared, but that’s just because I’m more scared of ghosts and centipedes than I am of intruders. 

            If you’re interested in venturing into true crime or non-fiction books, I recommend giving this one a try, especially now that you know who the suspect is!!

2. Divergent- Veronica Roth

            I don’t really remember how this book ended up in my possession but I must say it was one of the better books I read last year. So good that I had to watch the movie right after to see how the book got adapted into a film. 

            This book reminded me a lot of The Hunger Games, in that it’s set in a futuristic world with different factions that people are separated into. It is a fiction book, written by Veronica Roth and is the first book in a trilogy. The novel revolves around the main character, Beatrice “Tris” Prior. She grew up from a family that comes from one specific faction “Abnegation” but doesn’t feel she identifies as it anymore once she reaches adulthood. She ventures off into another faction “Dauntless”, which of course disappoints her parents. Eventually, she realizes she has extra abilities and identifies as “Divergent”, hence the title. 

            I enjoyed this book because it was very fast paced and intriguing and constantly kept my attention. I had no issues with following along and I really enjoy action books, which makes no sense because I do not like action movies. The only negative was the fact that there was a lot of relationship drama involved, which for me doesn’t really attract me. If I wanted to read a love novel, I would, you know? But of course, incorporating love and relationships is what attracts a lot of people and creates drama, so I respect it. The movie was equally as good as the book and if I do ever run out of books to read one day, I will definitely finish the rest of the series!

            

3. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince- J. K. Rowling 

            In my humble and honest opinion, no list of great books is complete without at least one Harry Potter book. I recently got into HP a few years ago after years of thinking it was overhyped and for nerds (I really don’t know why I had that misconception). I read the first book during a plane ride and I was immediately hooked. I bought the entire book set last year and have read six of the seven original books (I’m holding back on the seventh one because I don’t want it to end!). I personally love the series because these are the types of books that completely consume you and transfer you to another universe. Also, when you read thousands of pages of the same characters, they eventually start to feel like family. So I recommend getting into the series if you want something to commit to, which you will because Rowling’s writing is so captivating and amazing.

            The Half-Blood Prince is the sixth book in the series and the most recent one I read, but that is not at all why it’s my favourite one (so far). Without giving too much of the story away, it basically revolves around Harry Potter as he becomes an adult, which is different from the other books when he was younger. He spends a lot of time with Dumbledore because of his special abilities to fight Voldemort (hopefully that isn’t too much of a spoiler). Quite a lot goes on in the 650 (!!) page book, so I can’t really say a lot without spoiling it all. I will, however, say that if you know anything about the shocking plot twist in the series, it happens in this book. 

            I adored this book a lot and even though it took me forever to get through, that didn’t stop me from loving it. The only cons of all of the Harry Potter books is that there are some dry sections that probably aren’t necessary and kind of drag on, and then other times there’s a big scene that goes by too quick for you to process. Otherwise, I just love Harry Potter. You can definitely read Half-Blood Prince without having read any of the other books because Rowling does a short recap about all of the characters at the beginning of each book to catch you up. 

4. The Alibi- Sandra Brown 

            I scored this book as part of a 3 for $10 deal at Indigo in the summer and I bought it because the description said it was about murder and I was intrigued. It took me about ten pages to absolutely fall in love with Sandra Brown as an author and I now own a bunch of her books.

            This fiction novel is about a man and a woman mostly, but also has a mix of other characters involved as well. It’s definitely a suspense thriller and it was the first thriller I read and totally got me hooked on that genre. The main character, Hammond Cross, has a one night stand with a female doctor. Shortly afterwards, she is accused of murder but uses Cross as her alibi, stating that she did not commit the crime because she was with him at the time. So it is a love story but with a lot of suspense, crime, and law involved.

            This was one of the few books I’ve read that is the definition of a page turner. I normally can put down a book and finish reading it whenever I want, but I barreled through this book because I just had to know what happened and the suspense was amazing. Hence why I became an instant fan of Sandra Brown.

            I think the only con of this book was that at times it was a little redundant and dragged on. But I knew that if I got through one small section that was boring, the rest would be amazing. This book is on sale for so cheap, I mean mine was literally $3 so if you ever happen to see it, definitely pick it up. 

5. My Sister’s Keeper- Jodi Picoult

            This book changed my life. I adore absolutely everything about it and I read it nearly ten years ago and it still holds a huge place in my heart! I was introduced to My Sister’s Keeper in high school when I chose it to write a book report on it. It’s a looooong book, 432 pages to be exact, but I wanted to take on the challenge of a big book.The reason I’m an avid reader and writer today is largely because of how amazing this book was.

            My Sister’s Keeper is a fiction novel about a girl named Anna who was born to an older sister named Kate, who has cancer. Anna was created as an organ and blood donor for her older sister. She spends most of the book resentful of her sister because of the fact that she’s spent a huge part of her life in the hospital being a savior. 

            I loved absolutely everything about this book and as far as I can remember, there was nothing specific that I disliked. The biggest part that knocked my socks off was the complete twist that happened around three quarters into the book. It was so severe, I remember gasping, slowly putting down the book, and staring at a wall until I could comprehend what happened. Side note: they did NOT include the twist in the movie which to this day infuriates me. So if you’ve seen the movie and know the plot, or saw the movie and disliked it, it’s still worth reading the book because the story is vastly different. Another huge thing I loved was that it was actually written in various different voices. Usually books are narrated by either one third person voice or by the main character, but in this one each chapter was narrated by a different person with a different personality and perspective and it really made the story interesting. It also made me fall in love with Jodi Picoult’s writing and I’ve read quite a few of her books since and none have let me down (but this one is my favourite). 

            If you are up for a long, but very easy and enjoyable read, I 10000% recommend this one. It will (hopefully) change your life and make you appreciate your good health a lot, as well as just give you something to look forward to reading everyday!!