I'm a living paradox

         Hello! I’ve been absent for quite a while and it’s because of how hectic this semester has been. I had an actual slap in the face with how much work I have to do for the next couple of months.

         But anyways that’s a pathetic excuse for not posting weekly like I planned to. I am very small and very tired and I am writing non-stop this semester so my brain (and also my fingers!) are exhausted. 

         I hope everyone else is doing well though!!! Hopefully your first month of the year has been a little less hectic than mine.

         Last week, Canada celebrated Bell Let’s Talk Day and I actually went to a panel talk to cover for an article that I wrote for school which you can *wink wink* read here.

         I also recently went to another more casual talk about mental health that was hosted by an amazing YouTuber, Joey Kidney. I covered that for school too so it will be publicly posted soon!!

         So, as if it’s not obvious enough, I am not only a mental health activist, but I’m pretty educated on it and I’m very aware of the constant state of my own mental health.

         This post is loooong but since it’s so overdue, it’s kind of a jumble of my thoughts as I sat down to write. This was written over three days so if it seems like it’s here, there, and everywhere, that’s why. Hopefully this makes up for my absence, and I won’t be offended if it takes you a few days to get through reading it. 

         Also a side note related to this post, my future posts, and hopefully your own vocabulary here on out. I read a tweet the other day that said something along the lines of: referring to people’s mental illnesses by saying they are ‘struggling’ or ‘suffering’ just means that they are losing their fight. Saying that someone is ‘battling a mental illness’ insinuates that they are fighting and winning. 

         So, from here on out, I’ve made it my own goal and I hope you can take something from this too. Saying that someone is struggling and suffering from a mental health issue doesn’t give them the opportunity to be seen as battling and overcoming a lengthy match. 

         

         Back to scheduled programming.

         I talk about my anxiety, a lot. I’m very open about it, I have zero shame and I am 100% certain that I am battling my anxiety. Very recently, I have been pushing myself out of the comfort zone that my anxiety puts me in and I’ve felt a thousand times better than I have in a long time.

         I am not suffering, at all. As I’ve said before and will say a thousand more times on my blog, I have high functioning anxiety. Which means that my anxiety is very active in my day to day life but I function well and I am very successful despite it. Some days, my anxiety actually pushes me to do things out of precaution or worry which benefits me. Obviously I still have my downfalls, my bad days, and my anxiety attacks. But normally I go about my day to day life completely aware that my anxiety is irrational and over reactive and I try my hardest not to let it have a strong hold of myself.

         So, if I don’t reach out to you often or at all, it’s not because I don’t think you can help, or I don’t want you to know about what I’m going through, or any other reason to exclude you from my life. I have battled my anxiety for over a decade, completely alone. And I intend to continue doing just that. I am a very independent person and I rarely reach out to anyone for help with anything in general because I want to do everything by myself. I know that I can overcome my anxiety everyday with me, myself, and I. I don’t want to invalidate my strength as a human being by constantly running to others to console me. 

         In fact, I actually had an anxiety counsellor for a few months. I stopped talking to her because I didn’t like depending on someone else to help me with something that was completely personal to me. I couldn’t handle being encouraged and pushed by someone else to overcome my fears and anxieties because I need my motivation to come from within. 

         Something she would constantly tell me was that she was so impressed and a little bit surprised by the fact that I am so aware of how my anxiety affects me but I don’t do anything to stop it. She said that most people aren’t aware that they’re losing out on life because of anxiety. But I would constantly say “I know this stupid” or “I know I shouldn’t worry about that” which she said is such a breakthrough because that means I’m completely aware of the way my brain malfunctions, I just haven’t mastered the art of not letting it control my life. 

         So, just further proof that I want and can go through this alone most days because I know I am smart enough and strong enough to.  

         When I need an emotional or physical hug, I will reach out. The times I do are few and far between, but I promise you when I need you, I will come. This past year has been exhausting because of school, but I’ve generally felt in control and I want to get through my fear of growing up and starting my career completely alone. 

         It also goes without saying that anxiety is so irrational that I can’t even get the words to describe it out of my mouth. The things I’ve had anxiety attacks over for the past few months have been so stupid that I just can’t have anyone know that this is what plagues me. So I keep it to myself, go to bed, and hope I’m over it by the morning. Most days I am. Each day brings a new little struggle and I’ve become very good at getting over little hurdles completely alone. I’m proud of myself, I feel strong emotionally and spiritually and when I meet a hurdle that I feel too weak to get over alone, I will reach out to anyone and everyone who can help me. 

         I also want to say that I made my blog to share my journey with anxiety, life, and everything in between as a way to attract people who want to read about someone else who feels the same way or goes through the same things as they do. For some people, hearing me share my own personal experiences might bring you comfort and relief and help you feel less alone in a world that’s full of alienation and exclusion. I personally feel like I was put on this earth to help other people because I am strong enough to battle my own mental health issues and I can teach and guide others who are just like me. 

         All I ask of the people who care about me is to please don’t underestimate how strong I am. I’ve gone through a lot, completely alone, and I am so extremely proud of myself for that. 

         If in the past I’ve said that I’m “struggling” or “suffering”, I now recognize that those words are completely wiped from my vocabulary and I will no longer use them. But if I say I feel “overwhelmed” or “extremely anxious”, I also recognize that these feelings are not key characteristics of who I am, and most importantly are not permanent. 

         I can temporarily feel overcome with anxiety for short or long periods of time, but at the end of it all, the goal is to overcome my anxiety using the tools I’ve learned and my very strong determinance.  I may choose to reach out to others for a little boost, motivation, or just a venting session or I might spend many days alone, in silence, solitude, and protection from the world. It’s really my choice. I’m not going to force myself to ask for help if I don’t want or need it. 

         That’s where I want to say to you: do what you need to do to feel better. If you want to talk to someone about what you’re going through, then do it. If your mental illness makes you want to seclude yourself from the world until you feel better, do that too. You weren’t put on the earth to suffer in a way that hurts and alienates you, you’re here to battle everything that comes your way in however long it takes and with however many people you need on your team. 

         For me, my team is usually me, myself, and I. Some days, it’s me, myself, and my mom. Sometimes it’s me, myself, and only one specific friend who can understand what I’m currently going through. Sometimes, it’s me, myself, and Netflix or me, myself, and a lot of sleep. Everyday is something new and each day I learn and adapt to my changing life. 

         I realized quite a while ago that I might be a walking paradox. I find when I’m writing about myself in general, but mostly about my anxiety, that I contradict myself a lot. You might have noticed this about me (or yourself) too. It makes me very self conscious when I share my anxieties (yes talking about my anxiety gives me anxiety), but I always push myself to just click publish and share my story because I want to help other people who feel similar. 

         I know that sometimes I say I am or have been extremely anxious and other times I say that I am strong, independent woman but that’s what the paradox is all about. It changes everyday and guess what? So do I. I would be nothing if I didn’t learn to be flexible and adapt to my changing life and state of my mind. 

         For example, in my post a few months ago, I said that I have an irrational fear of birthday parties. Which is still true for the most part. But the other night I went to a birthday party. And I wasn’t anxious about it at all. Actually, when I woke up the morning of, I felt almost…excited? I was sitting in bed like what is this feeling I’m feeling? Tis not anxiety, tis almost excitement. It was such a breakthrough for me. Again, I sound like I’m contradicting myself but really this is just part of growth for me. 

         I’m also really paradoxical in my behaviour. Some days I have absolutely nothing to say and others you can’t shut me up. In some situations, I’m the life of the party and others I’m a wallflower with no desire to fit in. It really depends on my state of mind, the people around me, and possibly……the direction of the sun. It’s unpredictable is what I’m trying to say. But that’s how I am and I live on a take it or leave it basis. 

         

         I know from my studies and experiences that mental health issues are not constant. If you know anyone or you yourself have a mental illness, then you will know that every single day brings something different. Especially for people battling depression, there are some days they they function pretty well and go to to work or do their day to day duties and get along fine. But other days they hit a brick wall and can’t leave their bed. The very nature of mental health issues is that they are never in a state of constancy. That’s why they’re so unpredictable and so nerve wracking.

         I never know how I’m going to feel when I wake up. It makes me feel, for lack of a better word, very anxious. I get anxious about whether I will wake up anxious. It sounds so ridiculous but I think if you understand exactly what I’m talking about, then you’ll nod and agree. 

         This is and always has been a journey for me and I think my anxiety is such an important part of who I am. I would not be wary and cautious without it but sometimes I also think I need it to be careful of the things I say and do because I need some form of self control. (Also, I tend to have no filter on the things I say so without being anxious about the response I get, I would be spewing out stupid things all day). (Maybe that’s why I’m a writer……I think I just like to talk…….although people who have seen me sit alone in silence in a crowded room would disagree). (Ugh, I’m such a paradox). 

         

         My advice to you is to just do what makes you happy. Practice self care as often and as much as you need to. Try to become aware of the things you’re feeling and ask yourself why you’re feeling that way and if you’re feeling ambitious, try stopping yourself from feeling negatively. 

         It’s very easy to say “I’m so anxious” or “I’m feeling so xyz” but the challenge is asking yourself “why am I feeling so xyz?” I know I have the type of anxiety that always has a “trigger” and even if I feel like there’s no cause, deep down I know there is something I’m suppressing that’s making me feel this way. 

         My second piece of advice is to slow down. Maybe even stop. I mean it’s hard to stop when you live a very busy life or even a normal life where you need to be constantly on the go. My life right now has been the busiest it’s ever been, but I still take the time every now and then to slow myself down and just let myself relax. 

         During my first semester of post grad school, I accidentally committed myself to six day weeks between work and school. At one point, work got busy so I did fifteen days straight. On the fourteenth day I had a breakdown in my bedroom ten minutes before my shift started. It was over the stupidest thing but I had worked myself to the bone so my brain had a temper tantrum in an effort to try to slow me down. It worked, and after that I decided to cool it down and sacrifice a few extra dollars so that I could have days off and mentally recover from my busy life. 

         You need a day off. Honestly at least once, maybe even twice a week. They’re called “five-day work weeks” for a reason. People who have to constantly surround themselves by other people and make plans on their days off confuse me. Aren’t they exhausted? I hope they’re taking the time to slow themselves down. And I hope you are too.

         

         Thank you for reading and I look very forward to next my post. It’s going to be about something very personal but also that I know millions of people also suffer—NAY, battle, on a daily basis.

         Wishing you a wonderful day, night, month, year, lifetime and I’ll see y’all on the flipside.

Five little pick me ups

            Hello! Happy Tuesday. I hope everyone is doing well and thanks for coming back for another blog post!

            Last weeks posts were pretty simple ones and I want to start off slow with my blog before I delve into personal details about myself and share my secrets with the world. 

            Today I want to tip toe into topics related to mental health. 

            I’m going to share five tips and tricks for how to pick yourself up when you feel down or anxious. These are all things I do on almost a daily basis.

            As much as I hope you don’t feel down or anxious, or even depressed, I hope you can enjoy reading these little tips and take some for yourself for when you need it.

My nightly routine.

1. Exercise 

            The first tip is to work out. This is probably hard when you’re feeling down in the dumps and the last thing you want to do is throw yourself on a treadmill. However, I really do swear by this. 

             I’m sure everyone and their mother knows this by now but exercising releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy (and happy people don’t kill their husbands. They just don’t!) (that’s a movie quote I’m not crazy). But it’s true! I’ve never gotten off of the treadmill feeling mentally worse than I did getting on. 

            I personally work out in my basement, in the privacy of my home so I can sweat and be embarrassed by how pathetic my stamina is in peace. I’m sure this also has to do with how good I feel after exercising so if you can, I would recommend working out in your own home. 

            This tip really works if you’re feeling anxious and have jittery nerves to burn off (and possibly a pint of ice cream). The best thing I can do after a bad day is put on good music and run on the treadmill for an hour. It just feels so good and the endorphins kill my negative thoughts. 

            A key point I make when I work out is to leave my phone in my room and only use my iPod for music. I think escaping from social media, my friends, and the internet for an hour or so is good because I rarely am without my phone and we all know our cell phones are making us more anxious. So if you can, ditch your phone while you work out. It’s so worth it.

            Not to mention this is kind of a killing two birds with one stone scenario. If you feel badly mentally, you should try to make yourself feel good physically to compensate. Sitting on the couch won’t help you feel better physically and all the bad feelings will just pile up until you explode. So try running on the treadmill or going for a spin on a bike! Whatever you enjoy doing.

2. A Cuppa Tea

            This is probably a really self explanatory tip but it’s not something that many people do on a daily basis. I know that drinking tea in warm weather is gross but now that the weather is getting colder, it’s a good time to get into the habit of drinking tea every night.

            I also felt the need to specify that it should be decaf tea. Two reasons: 1. If you’re hypersensitive to caffeine (like me), then drinking caffeine at night will increase your inability to sleep and after all, the best thing you can do when you feel down is to just sleep it off. And 2. Caffeine is a known trigger for anxiety and will make your mind race even more. So you’re better off with decaf tea or even decaf coffee if that’s more your cup of tea (that was a pun on a level I don’t even understand).

            Something I try to get into the habit of doing is having a cup of tea every night at 9 p.m. That sounds so random but it’s for a good reason. Creating a daily habit helps keep you grounded if you suffer from anxiety. Grounding is basically bringing your anxious brain back down to reality when your negative thoughts make you feel like you’re floating away from your body. Having a daily habit is a constant reminder that you’re still alive and okay, and when it’s at night time it’s a milestone to show you that you made it through another day. It also gives you something to look forward to everyday so that you don’t feel so hopeless. 

            I know if you’re not naturally a tea person then getting into the habit of drinking tea can be difficult. There are so many people that associate drinking tea with being sick, but I think if you feel anxious, you should incorporate decaf tea into your life. 

            Also, if you find tea gross (you’re wrong), I would recommend trying out a place like David’s Tea because they have an amazing variety of flavored teas that don’t taste like dirty leaf water. If you need a good flavor recommendation, I am your gal. I love that place. 

3. Read

            This list is starting to become things you probably already do or know you should do. But oh well. With that, I still recommend escaping into a good book. 

            Reading is another activity that only certain people really enjoy doing but it’s something that I will always recommend you try getting into because it’s worth it and is very good for you. 

            I recommend reading because it’s a good way to step away from your phone, and it really helps your brain distract itself from all of its anxious thoughts. I mean if you think about it, when you’re reading words on paper, your brain is too busy making sense of what your eyes are seeing to think about other (negative) things.

            Reading is one of my favourite escapes. Even if it’s just doing a textbook reading for school, I have to read on a daily basis. Might I also recommend reading my blog on a weekly basis as a way to incorporate reading??

            If you don’t enjoy reading, you probably haven’t found the right book yet. Once again, I am your girl to go to if you want a good book to read. My collection expands every month and it’s one of my favourite hobbies. Escaping my thoughts in a good book feels very very good. 

            You could also conjoin this with tip #1 to work out and do two good things for your brain and body. But don’t knock reading until you really try it.

4. Talk to someone

            For this little tip, I’d say you have two options: talk to someone face to face, or over the phone. I think the key here is to be able to hear someone’s voice instead of texting someone back and forth when you can’t read their tone and behaviour.

            When you’re in a state of anxiety, talking to someone helps because you put your focus on maintaining a conversation and responding to what they say rather than going over the same anxious, negative thoughts in your brain. 

            I often find that if I’m at work or out with my friends, I feel okay all day because being around people that make me happy distracts me from my anxiety. The moment I’m away from them and in my room alone, my anxious thoughts come full force and hit me like a brick wall. 

            Obviously it’s impossible to spend your entire life surrounded by other people (and you’d probably go crazy if you’re an introvert like me), but spending as much time as you can handle talking to people you enjoy really helps elevate your mood and distract your mind.

            Talking on the phone is low commitment because if you feel like you really just want to be alone, then you can say you have to go and hang up the phone. In the moment, having someone to talk back and forth with is comforting because they’re giving you their full attention and you can even choose to vent to them about whatever is bothering you.

            Of course physically being with someone feels a lot better because they can read your facial expressions and even be able to offer you a hug. For me, my person who always calms me down is my mom. When I’m really really anxious, I’ll just go sit in the living room with her and watch TV. Every time I do this she looks at me like a stranger who just walked into her house because I normally sit in my room and avoid human interaction at night. But we can sit in complete silence and her presence naturally calms me down. If you have someone in your life who plays this role for you, then I’d recommend you stay around them as often as possible. 

5. Light a candle, wrap yourself in a blanket, and watch a video 

            If all else fails, I support and encourage you to just admit defeat and wrap yourself into a human burrito and hibernate for as long as necessary. It’s sometimes the most effective remedy for a broken heart or an anxious mind or even just a bad day. 

            Step 1: light a candle. Or two. Or three. Four might be pushing it. I am a candle hoarder. I’ll admit it. Candles make me so happy and I think I’ve figured out why I love them so much. For starters, they make any room automatically smell delicious. But I also recently noticed that the way a candle flickers mimics a heart beat. If you stare at a flickering candle when you’re anxious and your heart is pounding, it can help (at least it does for me) regulate your heart beat by kind of mimicking the flicker. If that makes sense…

            Step 2: wrap yourself in a blanket. Any one will do. Fuzzy ones are appreciated. Ones that are twice the size of your body are even better. The goal is to become the rice and beans of a good burrito. Blankets burritos feel like human contact. When you feel anxious, sad, overwhelmed, or just down in the dumps, getting a hug from a giant tortilla wrap makes you automatically feel better. If you get sweaty, crack open a window. But do not leave the human burrito blanket until you feel ready to. If you never do, then so be it. The world can wait until you feel good and ready to go participate in it.

            Step 3: This step has various options. I personally always go for a YouTube video from a vlogger that I enjoy. The familiar face and voice is very comforting and helps me feel better. You can also go with a good Netflix TV show or even a movie. A stand up comedy act is a great way to force yourself to laugh when you can barely manage to crack a smile. The key is to watch anything with audio and visual content to temporarily distract your mind and racing thoughts. Allow yourself to get lost in the video. The best way to shut your negative thoughts is to just run from them. (That’s terrible advice, don’t run from your problems like I do).

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            I hope you enjoyed these little tips and plan to use them right now or the next time you’re feeling under the weather! (Although I hope you don’t feel that often).

            If you have any other tricks that I didn’t mention then feel free to share in the comments! I’d love to hear some different ideas. 

            I also hope that whatever you are going through that is bringing you any feelings of negativity, anxiety, or sadness is only temporary and that you are strong enough to overcome them and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

            Thanks for reading and enjoy your week!