Sometimes you have to put yourself first or you'll always come last

Hello!! Hello....hi....
I've been gone. A very very long time. I've thought about my blog over and over again but I have been going through a jumble of emotions in my absence and had this weird kind of anxious writer's block so I just had no motivation or energy to write.
Basically....and without sharing every single thing that has happened over the last **mumbled number cause it's grossly high** months, my life has been super busy and chaotic and in the process of change.
I've actually tried like five times to write a blog post. Seriously, I have five drafts of half written posts about various different things, but I never followed through on posting them.
And then there was that nagging little voice I like to call my anxiety that would whisper "nobodyyyyy cares" or "don't botherrrr, seriously nobody caresssss" so that was holding me back too. (I feel I should clarify that those are actually just my internal thoughts and that I don't hear voices)
However, I'm currently sitting down with a cup of coffee and a candle burning and I'm finally (finally!) feeling like myself again. A miracle, I say!

I don't even know where to start right now, my mind is racing a mile a minute because I have so much that I want to say it before I forget or get too anxious to share it.
Since the last time I posted, a lot of things have happened.
I finished two semesters of post grad school, which means I'm done the entire program! I cannot believe a whole year went by and in that time I've gotten so much experience, learned a ton of things, and met so many amazing people (who will now just be distant memories in my heart because that's just how life goes).
During my summer semester, I got chosen to be Editor-in-Chief of my school's news website (well ok...first I was Managing Editor, which is still like, a high honour but then our EIC got a job and left so I got "promoted"). It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, super exhausting (8-10 hour days) but made me feel so happy and satisfied.
Then I had an internship I was supposed to start in June and they contacted me and told me they were shutting down and could no longer offer me it....three days before my start date. I loved that part. Really not nerve wracking, and did not make my life feel upside down. But c'est la vie. Two months later (after a lot of rejection emails) (rip self esteem), I finally found another internship that I started earlier this month and I really really enjoy it. (I'm currently procrastinating work I need to do for that by writing this post, sos)
I never realized how cool a partially work from home job would be until I started doing it. I only go into the office once or twice a week, otherwise I send most of my "professional" emails from my bed in my pyjamas.
Within my first shift at my internship, I already felt so welcomed and valued. It was such a refreshing and awesome feeling. Even the little busy work I do is enjoyable because I know that in a few weeks all my little tasks will add up and contribute to the publication of a magazine and my name will be in it! It's such a cool feeling.

So...yeah. I've been busy. During my summer semester I did four days of school and four days of work and if you do the math, that equals eight and there is not eight days in a week, so that means that I'm exhausted!!
At first, I really enjoyed the go go go life, it kept me occupied and on my feet, and I felt like I wasn't wasting away my summer days.
But then I realized how many months had gone by since I've written any blog posts, or even picked up a book to read. That's not like me. At my core, one of my biggest passions in life (besides like, french fries and puppies) is writing. And I totally stopped.
I wanted to believe that it was because I was so busy. I had one, maybe two days a week off and on those days I either had cleaning to do or errands to run, or just wanted to lie in bed like a potato and that's essentially why I stopped doing things I love.
But then you do it over and over, week after week, and "I'm just too busy or tired or xyz" becomes "I just don't feel passionate about this anymore" or "I have no motivation" and it's not very good.
I've never considered myself an aspirational person until about last year when I found myself daydreaming about the day my own book comes out, or being Editor-in-Chief of a renowned magazine, or...just having a job where I can write from home in my pyjamas.
So, I need to keep that passion. I can't just suppress it because I don't have the time or energy, but I can't create time when I genuinely have none, and I can't build up energy unless I take the time to rest.
What I thought was me keeping myself super occupied, running around from school to work to bed to work to hanging out with friends to bed to internship, and so on...really just became me living a life that I wasn't really enjoying.
It really hit me when I sat down and thought about the last time I felt genuinely excited to do something, and I realized....I couldn't remember.
Nothing excited me anymore, nothing made me feel like I was living my best life, and I would wake up in the morning, think about everything I have to do and everywhere I had to be...and I just didn't want to. It sucked.
Just a few weeks ago, I was lying in bed one morning before a shift at work (my retail job, not my internship), and I felt so numb and drained. The thought of getting up and spending six hours on a Saturday to go to a job that had no future or positive impact on me was just...depressing.
But I kept telling myself over and over again that it was for the money and to get out of the house, and although that worked for a while, eventually it just became too much.
I realized that I was staying at my job to keep my parents happy by having my own money and keep my understaffed managers happy by helping out and keep my friends happy by being able to afford going out often but then I said.....but what the heck am I doing to keep myself happy? Nothing, really.
I wasn't passionate or excited or content with my life. I was just going through the motions of a lifestyle that was keeping everyone around me satisfied, but I felt nothing.

One night, I walked out of work (on a Friday because I love working weekend nights since I have no social life or friends). I got into my car and sat there and just started bawling my eyes out. Like that gasping for air, I don't know why I'm crying, oh geez there's a guy in a car driving past me and we just made eye contact and this is embarrassing...kind of bawling. And I drove home like nothing happened.
Then I showered, went to bed, and woke up the next day and went to work pretending I was okay. And I did it again the next day, and the next day, and again and again.
But finally, one day I called my mom (once again sobbing because I'm a giant baby), and I had zero reason to be so upset except that it was a busy day and I was overwhelmed physically and mentally. She told me to quit. Like that day, on the spot. And I was like...who are you? In this house we don't do anything spontaneously, we sit and sleep on it for 47 days until we are good and ready to make a decision.
So I went home, cried for two more hours and told my parents that I just didn't feel good, I felt like I was depressed and that my life was hopeless and meaningless, and I was losing sight of myself and my aspirations.
"Just quit. The money will come back as soon as you start working again. Your mental health may not."
So I quit.

I want to do things that I enjoy and that make me feel alive and accomplished and meaningful. I want to be where I'm appreciated and valued and needed.
At the end of the day, I want to be taking steps (even if they're tiny baby steps) towards my goals and aspirations. I don't want to live a "one step forward, two steps back" lifestyle. Tiny baby steps are generally what I've taken over the last year, but to me that's enough.
Leaving behind a lifestyle that I personally outgrew and no longer enjoyed was one huge step for me, though. It scared me, and made me a little bit sad, but that's how I know it's a good change. Anyone with any type of anxiety would know that literally everything scares us, but it's those really really scary things that are so worth the fear.
Everyone deserves to be where they're valued and loved and important. In all parts of your life.

And I'm not saying that I wasn't appreciated or valued, because I really can't speak for how other people feel about me. But I felt like I wasn't.
You know on TV when people are in counselling sessions and the therapist says "now always say 'I feel these emotions' not 'you make me feel these emotions'", that's what's I'm trying to say. I felt these things, regardless of how other people were actually treating me.
Basically (a really wise phrase I came up with one night in the shower)...Someone who is unknowingly hurting you, is still hurting you. 
And that goes for anyone in any way, shape, or form in your life. Whether it's a friend or family or colleague, it's all the same.
Nobody deserves to feel unwanted or unappreciated or undervalued. You just don't. And I don't know why we often just accept the way people treat us if it's not the way we personally need to be treated.
I, for instance, am a big baby and if you say mean mean things to me I will cry right in front of you and get mascara all over my face because I'm a giant adult baby.

So, I don't want to start a riot and convince everyone to quit their job and leave their toxic situations and start a new life in a small European city, but if that's what you need to do right now then so be it my dude.
But I think I did want to share my story because I know (I hope) there is at least one (maybe two) other people in the world that this resonates with.
Are you living your best life right now, or just a life? Going through the motions of a super busy or really boring or same old thing life?
I hate change, it's scary and anxiety inducing but it is so worth it. A thousand times worth it. I don't like the phrase "the grass isn't always greener on the other side" because sometimes...it actually is.
This is kind of the whole point of this post...to share my experience (the stress, tears, frustration) and hopefully help other people in similar situations. I mean, helping people is literally the whole point of my blog right?

I'm glad to be back. I'm anxious of course, because sharing my thoughts on the internet is somehow scary as if the whole entire world reads my blog. (Although I could use that kind of Adsense)
I'm going to continue doing what scares me if it creates a positive change, and writing about things that I think other people need or want to hear. (Omg I started calorie counting a few months ago and I love it and can't wait to share about it because before that I was so against it but it changed my life ok I'll save this for next post)
Anyways, my mom told me not to write something mushy and depressing as my first post back, but I must. This is who I am mother! She can't stop me! Unless she'll stop buying me really green bananas and soy coffee creamer because I love those.

Oh yeah, and if you know anyone who's hiring a writer/editor/reporter/journalist, hook a sister up. I'm kidding but also so not kidding. 

Thank you for reading. Especially if you've made it to the end. And even more if you've read most or all of my posts. It means a lot. It's cool to be able to share my writing with other people. I've always kept it to myself growing up. But this year I got to share so many awesome articles for school with hundreds of readers and it made me feel so satisfied.
Me and my fragile little heart will be here writing away because I refuse to let anything stop me again.
I decided to put myself first for the first time in a really long time and ugh, I'm so happy I did.

Why do we fear change?

        Hi there! I hope everyone’s holidays were great and that you all got some great presents, ate good food, and enjoyed spending time with your families. 

         I have really enjoyed my winter break so far but I’ve been a lot busier than I anticipated! I haven’t had any free time to write or do anything on my looooong to-do list. 

         As we head into a new year, I decided to make today’s blog post about change. I personally hate New Year's and I think it’s totally overhyped. 

         I’ve never had an official “New Year’s Resolution” because again I think the whole concept is overrated. Although, last year I made a “goal” to walk 10,000 steps everyday and I actually stuck to it! So I decided to continue that and just incorporate it into my daily life. 

         I’ve always considered change the scariest thing in the world. I’m a very complacent person who lives within my comfort zone and I seldom step outside of it so for me facing a change head on creates a lot of anxiety. I usually avoid making big changes in my life because I think they will only make me regretful and scared. 

         However, recently I was thinking about this concept and I decided to flip my mindset about it and think about all of the good things that change has brought into my life. 

         This year has been full of changes for me and they happened so quickly and were so drastic that I don’t think I noticed they were happening at the time.

         The first half of 2018 was really rough. I hit what I think is one of the lowest points of my life. I went into it feeling, for the lack of a better word, depressed. I had graduated university in June 2017 but could not find full time work in my field. Everyday I woke up and either went to work and felt like a hopeless robot or woke up past noon and lay in bed until my hunger pushed me to get up. I spent hours, job searching online and it was the most disappointing, confidence destroying, and exhausting process.

         Halfway through the year I turned my life and my year around for the better. One night (at 2 a.m.), I sat in bed squealing with excitement because I found the perfect program that my heart has been passionate about since high school. At the time it didn’t feel like I was going through a life change because it felt so right and my heart was exploding with joy and anticipation. But soon after my excitement died down, I started feeling my usual anxiety and I just had to push through, ignore the intrusive thoughts and just listen to my gut telling me it was going to be amazing.

         So the biggest change that I went through this year was deciding to start post grad school for journalism and follow through on my passion for writing since elementary school! 

         Another huge change I made this year is what you’re doing right now. My blog!! I never in a million, billion, trillion years thought I would ever have the confidence to express myself so freely on the internet. (I mean, I used to vent on my Tumblr but no one ever read my posts so it was mostly me talking to myself in a public arena). 

         The reason you are reading my blog today is because I spent about five months contemplating everyday whether I should just do it. I daydreamed about all of the things I would write and how many people would benefit from hearing someone else talk about their anxieties, fears, and weaknesses and help others feel less alone. But again, my fear of making a change in my life held me back until one night I held my breath and just did it. I will never regret doing this and this has been such an amazing journey. 

         Everyday I’m more surprised by how many compliments I get on my blog and it makes me feel so happy to hear that my own friends and family are supporting my work! I’m so used to hiding in the corner and I hate being in the spotlight but I think this is such an intimate way of sharing my thoughts with anyone who’s willing to listen. It makes me feel so honoured that there are dozens of people who sit down each week to read my writing. 

         I've also gone through a huge change with my body. In high school I decided I was tired of being overweight and I wanted to change it. So far, I’ve lost about 55 pounds which is like….a lot. The past year has been so full of ups and downs that my weight has stayed about the same. It has been demotivating but at the same time I also have to appreciate that I made such a big change to my body and I’m already at a very healthy weight (but could stand to lose a few more). That “change” that I made years ago basically just turned into my new life. Lucky for this transformation because if I didn’t, y’all would be rolling me out of all you can eat buffets. 

     Other cool things I changed this year:

·     My hair (I’m obsessed, it cost an arm and a leg and it was the best change.) (Also... the phrase “if you can’t change your life, change your hair” holds strong regardless of what you’re going through)

·     My eating habits (I got into drinking over three liters of water a day and I feel great…I wish my skin got the memo but I will be patient)

·     My writing (I started off one class with my prof ripping apart my assignments and ended the semester with all A’s and constant compliments on my work and improvements)

·     My mindset!!! Like I said, I spent half this year thinking life was meaningless and I was a failure and it took months of effort to remind myself to turn my “failures” into lessons 

        I know that for some people it is extremely hard to face the fact that your current situation is leading you nowhere and is only making you more frustrated and unhappy everyday. You probably see it and feel it, but why aren’t you doing anything to change it? 

         If there is something you can actively do or change to make yourself happier, then why not do it? When you’re already feeling down, only good things can come from making a positive change. I’ve learned to just cross my fingers, do that thing that scares me and hope that it works out. If it fails, I’ll deal with it when it comes. As someone who has failed and wasted a year of her life, I can assure you that as long as you’ll still have a roof over your head and good people around you, making a change or taking a big risk will be worth it if it can make your life better. And if you’re anxious like me and always prepare for the worst, just remember that I did not prepare myself for the worst at all. I still failed and then recovered and I came out of it with a smile on my face and a good story.          

         I don’t want to be that sappy white girl that says “make 2019 your year of change!” but …I’m kind of saying that. I personally know a lot of people that are kind of stagnant in their lives right now. They’re low-key miserable and their jobs are leading nowhere, but I can only see this from an outsider’s perspective (and also because they vent to me about it on an almost daily basis). It’s hard for me to sit here and say “you need to make a change this year” but if you fall into the category of unhappy people, I really do urge you to consider what changes you can make to better yourself and your happiness. I know it’s terrifying at first but it is so rewarding to be at a point where you know you are in the process of change and you can feel the happiness and excitement radiating out of your pores. 

         So, I think you should just go for it. You have my complete support and if you fail, I will be your hype girl to help you get back on the horse and try again. Really though, as long as you’re not gambling your life’s saving at the casino, you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.

         Anyways, thank you for reading! Enjoy your New Year's celebrations (bleh) and think about making that change. I’d love to know if anyone is planning to do something big in the next year because I love to hear inspiring stories from other hopefuls like me!!