Sometimes you have to put yourself first or you'll always come last

Hello!! Hello....hi....
I've been gone. A very very long time. I've thought about my blog over and over again but I have been going through a jumble of emotions in my absence and had this weird kind of anxious writer's block so I just had no motivation or energy to write.
Basically....and without sharing every single thing that has happened over the last **mumbled number cause it's grossly high** months, my life has been super busy and chaotic and in the process of change.
I've actually tried like five times to write a blog post. Seriously, I have five drafts of half written posts about various different things, but I never followed through on posting them.
And then there was that nagging little voice I like to call my anxiety that would whisper "nobodyyyyy cares" or "don't botherrrr, seriously nobody caresssss" so that was holding me back too. (I feel I should clarify that those are actually just my internal thoughts and that I don't hear voices)
However, I'm currently sitting down with a cup of coffee and a candle burning and I'm finally (finally!) feeling like myself again. A miracle, I say!

I don't even know where to start right now, my mind is racing a mile a minute because I have so much that I want to say it before I forget or get too anxious to share it.
Since the last time I posted, a lot of things have happened.
I finished two semesters of post grad school, which means I'm done the entire program! I cannot believe a whole year went by and in that time I've gotten so much experience, learned a ton of things, and met so many amazing people (who will now just be distant memories in my heart because that's just how life goes).
During my summer semester, I got chosen to be Editor-in-Chief of my school's news website (well ok...first I was Managing Editor, which is still like, a high honour but then our EIC got a job and left so I got "promoted"). It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, super exhausting (8-10 hour days) but made me feel so happy and satisfied.
Then I had an internship I was supposed to start in June and they contacted me and told me they were shutting down and could no longer offer me it....three days before my start date. I loved that part. Really not nerve wracking, and did not make my life feel upside down. But c'est la vie. Two months later (after a lot of rejection emails) (rip self esteem), I finally found another internship that I started earlier this month and I really really enjoy it. (I'm currently procrastinating work I need to do for that by writing this post, sos)
I never realized how cool a partially work from home job would be until I started doing it. I only go into the office once or twice a week, otherwise I send most of my "professional" emails from my bed in my pyjamas.
Within my first shift at my internship, I already felt so welcomed and valued. It was such a refreshing and awesome feeling. Even the little busy work I do is enjoyable because I know that in a few weeks all my little tasks will add up and contribute to the publication of a magazine and my name will be in it! It's such a cool feeling.

So...yeah. I've been busy. During my summer semester I did four days of school and four days of work and if you do the math, that equals eight and there is not eight days in a week, so that means that I'm exhausted!!
At first, I really enjoyed the go go go life, it kept me occupied and on my feet, and I felt like I wasn't wasting away my summer days.
But then I realized how many months had gone by since I've written any blog posts, or even picked up a book to read. That's not like me. At my core, one of my biggest passions in life (besides like, french fries and puppies) is writing. And I totally stopped.
I wanted to believe that it was because I was so busy. I had one, maybe two days a week off and on those days I either had cleaning to do or errands to run, or just wanted to lie in bed like a potato and that's essentially why I stopped doing things I love.
But then you do it over and over, week after week, and "I'm just too busy or tired or xyz" becomes "I just don't feel passionate about this anymore" or "I have no motivation" and it's not very good.
I've never considered myself an aspirational person until about last year when I found myself daydreaming about the day my own book comes out, or being Editor-in-Chief of a renowned magazine, or...just having a job where I can write from home in my pyjamas.
So, I need to keep that passion. I can't just suppress it because I don't have the time or energy, but I can't create time when I genuinely have none, and I can't build up energy unless I take the time to rest.
What I thought was me keeping myself super occupied, running around from school to work to bed to work to hanging out with friends to bed to internship, and so on...really just became me living a life that I wasn't really enjoying.
It really hit me when I sat down and thought about the last time I felt genuinely excited to do something, and I realized....I couldn't remember.
Nothing excited me anymore, nothing made me feel like I was living my best life, and I would wake up in the morning, think about everything I have to do and everywhere I had to be...and I just didn't want to. It sucked.
Just a few weeks ago, I was lying in bed one morning before a shift at work (my retail job, not my internship), and I felt so numb and drained. The thought of getting up and spending six hours on a Saturday to go to a job that had no future or positive impact on me was just...depressing.
But I kept telling myself over and over again that it was for the money and to get out of the house, and although that worked for a while, eventually it just became too much.
I realized that I was staying at my job to keep my parents happy by having my own money and keep my understaffed managers happy by helping out and keep my friends happy by being able to afford going out often but then I said.....but what the heck am I doing to keep myself happy? Nothing, really.
I wasn't passionate or excited or content with my life. I was just going through the motions of a lifestyle that was keeping everyone around me satisfied, but I felt nothing.

One night, I walked out of work (on a Friday because I love working weekend nights since I have no social life or friends). I got into my car and sat there and just started bawling my eyes out. Like that gasping for air, I don't know why I'm crying, oh geez there's a guy in a car driving past me and we just made eye contact and this is embarrassing...kind of bawling. And I drove home like nothing happened.
Then I showered, went to bed, and woke up the next day and went to work pretending I was okay. And I did it again the next day, and the next day, and again and again.
But finally, one day I called my mom (once again sobbing because I'm a giant baby), and I had zero reason to be so upset except that it was a busy day and I was overwhelmed physically and mentally. She told me to quit. Like that day, on the spot. And I was like...who are you? In this house we don't do anything spontaneously, we sit and sleep on it for 47 days until we are good and ready to make a decision.
So I went home, cried for two more hours and told my parents that I just didn't feel good, I felt like I was depressed and that my life was hopeless and meaningless, and I was losing sight of myself and my aspirations.
"Just quit. The money will come back as soon as you start working again. Your mental health may not."
So I quit.

I want to do things that I enjoy and that make me feel alive and accomplished and meaningful. I want to be where I'm appreciated and valued and needed.
At the end of the day, I want to be taking steps (even if they're tiny baby steps) towards my goals and aspirations. I don't want to live a "one step forward, two steps back" lifestyle. Tiny baby steps are generally what I've taken over the last year, but to me that's enough.
Leaving behind a lifestyle that I personally outgrew and no longer enjoyed was one huge step for me, though. It scared me, and made me a little bit sad, but that's how I know it's a good change. Anyone with any type of anxiety would know that literally everything scares us, but it's those really really scary things that are so worth the fear.
Everyone deserves to be where they're valued and loved and important. In all parts of your life.

And I'm not saying that I wasn't appreciated or valued, because I really can't speak for how other people feel about me. But I felt like I wasn't.
You know on TV when people are in counselling sessions and the therapist says "now always say 'I feel these emotions' not 'you make me feel these emotions'", that's what's I'm trying to say. I felt these things, regardless of how other people were actually treating me.
Basically (a really wise phrase I came up with one night in the shower)...Someone who is unknowingly hurting you, is still hurting you. 
And that goes for anyone in any way, shape, or form in your life. Whether it's a friend or family or colleague, it's all the same.
Nobody deserves to feel unwanted or unappreciated or undervalued. You just don't. And I don't know why we often just accept the way people treat us if it's not the way we personally need to be treated.
I, for instance, am a big baby and if you say mean mean things to me I will cry right in front of you and get mascara all over my face because I'm a giant adult baby.

So, I don't want to start a riot and convince everyone to quit their job and leave their toxic situations and start a new life in a small European city, but if that's what you need to do right now then so be it my dude.
But I think I did want to share my story because I know (I hope) there is at least one (maybe two) other people in the world that this resonates with.
Are you living your best life right now, or just a life? Going through the motions of a super busy or really boring or same old thing life?
I hate change, it's scary and anxiety inducing but it is so worth it. A thousand times worth it. I don't like the phrase "the grass isn't always greener on the other side" because sometimes...it actually is.
This is kind of the whole point of this post...to share my experience (the stress, tears, frustration) and hopefully help other people in similar situations. I mean, helping people is literally the whole point of my blog right?

I'm glad to be back. I'm anxious of course, because sharing my thoughts on the internet is somehow scary as if the whole entire world reads my blog. (Although I could use that kind of Adsense)
I'm going to continue doing what scares me if it creates a positive change, and writing about things that I think other people need or want to hear. (Omg I started calorie counting a few months ago and I love it and can't wait to share about it because before that I was so against it but it changed my life ok I'll save this for next post)
Anyways, my mom told me not to write something mushy and depressing as my first post back, but I must. This is who I am mother! She can't stop me! Unless she'll stop buying me really green bananas and soy coffee creamer because I love those.

Oh yeah, and if you know anyone who's hiring a writer/editor/reporter/journalist, hook a sister up. I'm kidding but also so not kidding. 

Thank you for reading. Especially if you've made it to the end. And even more if you've read most or all of my posts. It means a lot. It's cool to be able to share my writing with other people. I've always kept it to myself growing up. But this year I got to share so many awesome articles for school with hundreds of readers and it made me feel so satisfied.
Me and my fragile little heart will be here writing away because I refuse to let anything stop me again.
I decided to put myself first for the first time in a really long time and ugh, I'm so happy I did.

Budget Skincare Products for Dry Skin

            Hello friends! Welcome and thanks for joining me for another blog post. Or I as I like to call it, “Keeping Up with my Shenanigans”. (You either laughed hard at that or you didn’t and I really hope it's the former). 

            Today I want to talk about one of my favourite things to discuss which is skincare and beauty. Since I already made two very extensive posts about my favourite beauty products which you can read here and here, I wanted to dedicate today to skincare.

            I recently got on a skincare kick because I cut down the amount of times a week I wear makeup. I used to be really insecure and could not leave my house without a full face of makeup.  But recently, I started going to work and school with no makeup at all! It probably doesn’t sound like much, but it took me a long time to build up the confidence to just embrace my dark circles and red patches and wear them proudly in public. 

            Instead, I’ve been focusing on taking care of my skin and letting it breathe as often as possible. I’ve invested more money into skincare products and have experimented with a lot of new items. (I like to call this “research” instead of “excessive and unnecessary spending habits.”)

            Everything on this list are items that I use either daily or weekly. They are really affordable and are best suited for dry skin, but also great for normal or combination skin. 

a. Neutrogena Face Wash - $9.97

I discovered this face wash about six months ago when I was on the search for an affordable but gentle cleanser for my dry and irritated skin. Since it’s called “ultra-gentle”, I decided to put it to the test. I am currently on my third bottle and I keep one on my sink and one in my shower at all times because I love it so much. It truly is “ultra-gentle” on my dry skin. The thing I like about it is that it foams up really well. I use it on my Clarisonic (which I totally would have included because I swear by it but it’s not so budget friendly). It foams extremely well so I feel like I’m getting a deep clean and honestly, I have nothing bad to say about it. Neutrogena actually makes really good facial cleaners like this one too so I trust them. If you’re looking for a new face wash, try this one (but maybe wait until it goes on sale for $7.99). 

b. Ponds Dry Skin Cream - $6.97 

I think everyone and their mother has tried Ponds by now but I was one of the few who only discovered it in the last year. Every time I mention to a friend that I use it, they say they’ve used it for years! It’s amazing for dry skin and keeps me moisturized for hours. It’s also really good under makeup too. The only con I would say is that since I slather it on because I’m so dry, it does make me look really greasy. I usually solve that problem but dabbing a tissue on my forehead and cheeks which are areas I don’t need the extra moisture. And if I don’t dab it well enough, it will give my foundation a dewy look which some people like, but I don't. But it keeps my dry patches moisturized which is more important to me. I’m on my second tub which I scored for $3.99 at the Real Canadian Superstore and I really recommend this as a daily moisturizer because it’s great.  

c. Eucerin Replenishing Face Cream - $14.67

This moisturizer used to be my go-to. I say used to because when I discovered Ponds, I stopped using Eucerin since it’s about three times more expensive. I recently picked up another tube because I missed it and I know once the weather starts warming up, the greasiness of Ponds is going to annoy me. I don’t know if I got a bad tube or if they changed the formula, but I’m a little upset at how this batch applies. I’m wearing it as I write this post and it feels very thick and a little sticky on my skin. It also doesn’t sink in as well as it used to, so when I slathered my face with it this morning, I had to really rub it in until it absorbed. It used to just sink it on its own. So those are the cons and they’re only apparent with this new tube. But I will say that no matter how much I apply, I never look greasy like I do with Ponds and it keeps my face moisturized all day. Eucerin makes really amazing products for dry skin so this is their specialty. It’s also absolutely amazing under makeup. Honestly, if it wasn’t $15 a tube, I would probably use it daily but right now I designate it as my night out or long day skin cream because it really is a dependable product. 

d. Neutrogena Hydro Boost Gel Eye Cream - $19.97

I recently realized that since I have such dry skin all over my body, my under eyes are soooo dry as well too. It’s really apparent when I wear under eye concealer and set it with powder. I have crow's feet and lines (which came from years of squinting before I got contacts and is super lame considering I’m only in my early twenties). Since Botox isn’t an option for me because $$$, I’m just relying on good under eye creams to help. This cream comes from Neutrogena’s new Hydro Boost line and all of the products are made with hyaluronic acid which locks in moisture. I must say it is one of the best eye creams I’ve found for dryness. I’m extremely picky and I have sensitive under eyes that burn from a lot of products but this one doesn’t irritate me at all and is generally really good. It was a little more money than I wanted to spend on a drugstore product but so far it’s lasted a long time. I’m wearing this right now and it feels amazing, doesn’t look greasy, sinks in immediately, and is invisible. I’ve had some eye creams that leave gold or red residue which is super annoying but this is amazing to wear on days that I don’t use make up and want my eyes to be moisturized. As for dark circles and wrinkles, it does a pretty good job but I don’t think any product will get rid of those for me. I do recommend grabbing this next time it goes on sale.  

e. Thayer's Rose Petal Witch Hazel Toner - $12.99 to $17.99

I feel like most people either love or hate witch hazel. I am one of the few who absolutely loves it. I’m on my fourth or fifth bottle and I plan on repurchasing forever. I discovered this a couple of years ago when I was in need of a toner to keep my hormonal acne under control but I knew that most toners dry out my skin more than it can handle. Witch hazel is magical because not only does it help with acne but it also has anti-redness properties so it keeps my dry patches under control. Most nights, I can put on a layer of this toner and no face cream and my dry skin feels totally fine! I’d say this is good for absolutely any skin type and probably works even better under a layer of moisturizing cream (I say probably because I’m too lazy to add on more than one layer of product at night so I've never tried it). I usually find a bottle of this at Marshalls for $9.99 which is a really good price compared to the one I linked to.  

f. The Ordinary Squalene Oil - $7.90

So if we’re talking affordable products, then this brand is the queen of budget skincare. The Ordinary is an amazing brand that offers full size bottles of serums and moisturizers for usually less than $10. This oil is literally $7.90 and that just blows me away. Squalene is a really great moisturizing oil for dry skin and it was recommended by a beauty vlogger who had similar skin issues to me. The brand she recommended was pricey but when I saw that this existed for a fraction of the cost, I just had to try it. I'm now on my second bottle and I plan on repurchasing it forever. It’s moisturizing enough for the night but sometimes when I wake up, my dry patches are scaly so it doesn’t last as long as other high-end serums. But it does the job as a basic face oil and I really like it. And for the price, I don’t mind slathering my face in it because it’s so cheap. Bonus fun fact: squalene is produced naturally in both sharks’ livers and in women’s vaginas (what a gross word) and acts as a natural lubricant. But rest assured that this product is made entirely from plants. 

g. Freeman Avocado and Oatmeal Facial Clay Mask - $4.97

Freeman masks are the epitome of an amazing mask at a budget price. I mean $4.97 for a tube that lasts months and months is amazing. So far, I have tried the Dead Sea Minerals and Avocado and Oatmeal and I’ve loved both of them. The Dead Sea Minerals is a little bit drying but great for acne prone skin. The Avocado and Oatmeal is awesome for both acne and dryness and it feels amazing on my skin. I would recommend this as a basic brand for face masks since they haven’t let me down and I'm excited to try more of them.   

h. Mario Badescu Facial Spray - $11

This is another product that I'm sure everyone has heard about by now, but I still need to mention it. To be honest, I'm not even sure who Mario Badescu is but I really really like him and his products. This face spray is amazing and I use it almost every day because it feels so good on my dry skin. I’ve tried both the rosewater and cucumber scents and even though I'm a huge rose lover, I actually prefer the cucumber one a bit more. I use this spray in two ways: when I don’t wear makeup, I spritz it on my skin to wake it up a bit and add an extra layer of moisture, and when I do wear makeup, I spray it on as a refresher halfway through the day. It’s amazing for both situations. The price is pretty good but even the small bottle lasts me for months so it’s totally worth a try. I’d also say this is probably good for every single skin type, even oily. It’s very good.  

________________________________

So there you go. A few more products to add to your skincare inventory that hold a big place in my heart. 

Thanks for reading and see you next post!

My hyperhidrosis story

           Hello!!!!! I am currently writing this post while on bed rest for a few days. I am A-okay and that is all part of my story for this blog post.

            I am so excited (like I’ve never been so happy and relieved in my entire life) to publish this post and share my story with as many people as possible. I know this is something very common and very debilitating and I’ve been waiting months to be able to post this.

            This is going to be a long post because it's basically recollecting on years of my life and I don't want to leave anything out, so enjoy. 

            For fifteen years, I’ve had severe hyperhidrosis. If you don’t know what that is, you can count your lucky blessings because that probably means you or anyone around you does not suffer from it. Hyperhidrosis literally translates to “excessive sweating.”

            I had palmoplantar hyperhidrosis, which means hands (palmar) and feet (plantar) and it started when I was eight years old. There's no known cause, I was basically told that I have overactive sweat glands and that's about all.

            According to le Google, hyperhidrosis affects only 2%-3% of the American population, BUT since I’m bored in bed, I did the math and that translates to as many as 9,000,000 people just in America! I’m not even included in that statistic because I’m Canadian. So, it’s a pretty common condition to suffer from.

            Anyways, to explain why I’m currently on bed rest. Yesterday (which would be Feb. 20) I had a surgery called an “Endoscopic Thoracic Sympathectomy” (click here to learn more).

            I basically had a portion of the ‘sympathetic nerve trunk’ in my body destroyed, so it no longer sends any signals to my brain to make my hands sweat. (And armpits which I didn’t need but is an added bonus.) 

            Right now, I have four incisions on my body, two on each side around my armpit and breast area. (So it’s safe to assume that every person in the OR saw my boobs, lol). I believe one incision on each side was for a camera, and the second one was for the utensil that severed the nerve. I’m extremely thankful that I was unconscious the entire time but a part of me wishes it was recorded so that I could see the action. 

            So that’s how I’ve been spending my reading week! I’ll be on bed rest until I have to go back to school on Monday and I can’t wear a bra or deodorant until then, or exercise for a couple weeks (which really is a great excuse to be lazy for a while).

            I realize that many people who read this post may not relate to it (and I sure hope you don’t, for your benefit) BUT I still think it’s worth a read because you may know someone who does and you’d like to share this with them (please do). Also, this is a cool conversation starter: “hey I know a girl who got the nerves to her sweats glands in her hands and armpits destroyed, isn’t that wild?”

            The journey to get from here to there has been very long, embarrassing, uncomfortable, and annoying. Every single day since it developed, I have had sweat on my hands and feet, some days it was just a thin, uncomfortable layer, and others it literally dripped down onto my clothes, the floor, and anything I was touching. 

            My first experience with hyperhidrosis was in fouth grade, when I was in class trying to colour in an art project. The memory is so vivid because it was the start of a really embarrassing, reoccurring experience. We were given an hour to colour in a drawing. The whole time I was having trouble holding onto my pencil crayon, it kept slipping out and I couldn’t get a good grip on my pencil or my sharpener. At the end of the hour, my teacher collected the drawings and every single person finished colouring, except for me. She announced to the entire class that I would have to take my drawing home to finish. I was humiliated and no one even knew that it was because of my sweaty hands. It was hard for me because I was so used to being top of my class in every other subject, but I couldn’t manage to colour in a parrot when everyone else finished.    

            For the past few months, I’ve been studying my hands and I came up with the conclusion that about 20% of my day, they were dry enough to touch someone or something and not be embarrassed or leave a sweat mark. As for the other 80% of my day, they were wet. So, not a very good statistic. 

            I decided to get this surgery in June 2018, which gave me a lot of time to think it over and had me in and out of doctor’s appointments and meetings with my surgeon in order to conclude that this was the best option for me. There are quite a few options for hyperhidrosis which do work for many people, and worked for me for a few years, but it got to the point that it was too severe and my only option was the permanent (and life changing) one.

            I was tired of being controlled by something that I, for lack of a better word, had no control over. I couldn’t think myself out of sweating, I couldn’t just wipe my hands on my pants to dry off, and there was nothing I could do to my body or hands that could stop it.

            June was when I decided to go back to school and pursue a career in journalism and writing. I realized that in order to get into a career, I would have to meet a lot of people and shake a lot of hands. My hyperhidrosis gave me an extreme fear of touching people. The best way I can describe it is as a cycle: my hands would be naturally sweaty--> I'd realize they’re sweaty and anticipate hand shaking and get anxious-->anxiety causes sweaty hands-->sweaty hands make shaking hands embarrassing-->anxiety over being embarrassed-->more sweat-->endless cycle.

            I didn’t want to be held back into starting my life over something that I had no control over. It wasn’t fair. I did all of the research, so by the time I went into my doctor’s office, I said: here’s what the surgery is called, here’s a clinic that has a surgeon who does it, all I need is your referral, please and thank you. She took one look at my hands, said “wow I’ve never seen someone so severe” (I just love being an extraordinary case), and told me she was going to help me change my life. My doctor didn’t know much about the surgery because it was very rare, and not many people take that route. My surgeon only performed a few hundred, but I was still confident in him. 

            I first talked to my doctor about my sweaty hands when I was about 10 and she gave me Drysol (if you’ve ever had sweating issues, you’ll be very good friends with this product). I used it for a few years, mostly in the summer when I sweat a lot more, and it worked but it wasn’t great. Eventually my hands got used to it and it no longer worked. 

            During the end of elementary school and all through high school, I had axillary hyperhidrosis (in the armpits!) as well as my feet and hands. I remember using Drysol for a few nights before prom because I stupidly got a dress that would show every mark, and the night before I lay in bed in excruciating pain because yes the Drysol worked, but it worked so well that it completely shrivelled up and dried out my sweat glands so they were all swollen and red. Hyperhidrosis is really a lose-lose situation. 

            To my luck, my axillary hyperhidrosis went away on its own when I started university. For the last few years, I have had almost no underarm sweating, which sounds great, but not when it just got redirected to my hands and feet. I’m pretty sure underarm hyperhidrosis is the most common, even more than hands and feet, so if you suffer from that, please know that I completely sympathize with you, but you have a lot of options to help keep it under control or stop it altogether. 

            The fact that I’ve had this condition for so long means that every year, like clockwork, when the weather warms up and most girls were on the internet looking for cute summer dresses, I was in my room googling “hyperhidrosis remedies” looking for something to bring me some relief. 

            When I was 21, I asked my doctor to refer to me to a dermatologist who specialized in sweating. I sat in his office, showed him my soaking wet hands, he touched them and went “wow, that’s a lot” and still only prescribed me another over the counter antiperspirant which my hands literally laughed at. I was annoyed because I told him Drysol did nothing and he still gave me something exactly like it. He also was completely against the ETS surgery because it’s such a severe option. I never went for a follow up and never saw him again. 

            The reason I finally went to a dermatologist was because at that time in my life, I was learning how to drive. I’ve never told anyone this story, besides my parents, because I was so embarrassed. As you will well know, driving requires complete use of your hands. Well mine were wet, all the time. Not only did I have hyperhidrosis but I also had uh…… nervousness about driving! 

            My first driving instructor was a bitter old man, and from the moment I met him, he mocked me about my sweaty hands. I started my lessons on a hot July day (really, that was dumb on my part) so naturally I was extremely sweaty. I also stayed with this guy for about a year, and every single lesson we had, he made fun of me. He would say things like “ugh that’s disgusting” or “ew you’re sweating all over my wheel” and take a wet wipe and clean it as I drove. It was so discouraging and embarrassing and it set me back in my driving for a lot longer than necessary. (I’m literally tearing up as I write this because I feel bad for myself for having to go through that.) (Also just a disclaimer: this post is not to get sympathy and aww boo-hoo for you from everyone, it’s just a way to share my story and hopefully resonate with some people suffering too.)

            So I went to the “professional sweat doctor”, he completely let me down, and I was back to square one. I could not advance in my driving journey without a solution, and I was so discouraged and upset. One day I finally got the courage, called my driving school, asked for a new instructor and within days I was sitting in his car. My solution: wearing gloves!! Duh! My parents recommend driving gloves, like those leather ones that racecar drivers use. But I just got a pair of thin, winter gloves, got into his car and said, “Hi, I’m Stefanie. I have sweaty hands so I’m going to wear gloves to every lesson so that my hands don’t distract me.” He was such a nice man, he said that’s okay and showed me his hands and said “I sweat too!” (He had a tiny sprinkle of wetness, but I smiled and gave him my sympathy.) 

            So, if you’re someone who’s been set back from driving because of your sweaty hands, take note from my experience because it worked. I took my driving test on a hot, October day, wore my silly gloves, and still passed with flying colours. 

            Other things I’ve missed out on: I had to give up gymnastics when I was about 10 because I was embarrassed by the fact that I left hand prints all over the mats and couldn’t support my body because my hands were too sweaty. I also could never ever hold hands with people, and high fives were a big no. Every time a boyfriend went to hold my hand, within one minute it would start profusely sweating and sometimes they’d say “sorry, I’m getting sweaty” and I’d internally laugh because he thought it was him when it was actually me!! But it only took a few more tries for me to admit my condition and kind of say…. “take it or leave it, buddy”. 

            My first and last manicure was in high school, when the lady slathered my hand in cream (big no-no if you have hyperhidrosis) and then went “oh… are you….warm?” when my hands were sweating all over hers. Whenever my friends would invite me for manicures, I’d say “oh I don’t like them, I find having someone hold my hand is awkward.” Lies! I just didn’t want to face that embarrassment again.

            As I previously said, I’ve spent years and years googling hyperhidrosis remedies, stories, and experiences. I was never able to find anyone who openly shared their experience, until I realized YouTube is full of videos. But, there’s no text or blog posts about it, so that’s why I’m so eager and excited to share this. I think it will be nice for those people who suffer in silence, just like I did, to find someone who knows exactly what they’re going through. 

            Something I find pretty funny is the fact that almost all of the YouTube videos of people with hyperhidrosis and those who have had the ETS surgery are all young, pretty girls. It’s like God said, “oh no, I put in too much pretty, I must add in something negative so they don’t become too powerful." Those videos really helped me feel a lot less alone in my struggle. 

            Another really interesting story I found was of an American surgeon who performed ETS surgeries. He said he does both ETS and other surgeries for cancer. What blew my mind was the fact that he said his patients who had ETS surgeries were ten times more grateful and emotional for his work than the people he performed life saving cancer removal surgeries on!! That really speaks volumes about how awful this condition is. 

            By now, I think the most obvious theme of my journey with hyperhidrosis is that it really had a strong hold over my life, as well as the fact that this was one of my best kept secrets. I only started opening up to my friends about it when I had my surgery booked. I didn’t tell everyone because I didn’t exactly want to be the poster child for sweaty hands. I think that’s fair. But almost everyone was very supportive. When you suffer for so long and in silence, it gets to you emotionally and mentally. I spent many times sobbing in my doctor’s office because I couldn’t even express how much it affected my anxiety and mental health. Side note: every time I talked on my blog about how awful my anxiety can be, I was also hiding the fact that I suffered from hyperhidrosis which caused a lot of my anxious feelings. 

            I’m extremely relieved that I can get this off my chest but also that I don’t have to suffer anymore! I know in my last post, I said I won’t use the word “suffer”, but I think in regards to my hyperhidrosis, it’s the most fitting word. I didn’t really “battle” it because I was always on the losing side. I suffered because I missed out on opportunities to meet new people, I spent a lot of time isolated in my room where no one could see or touch my sweaty hands, and I generally was uncomfortable and embarrassed a lot of the time. This was not just “I hate my nose so I’m getting surgery to fix it,” it’s really a matter of making my life easier and less uncomfortable and I am so glad I did it. 

            Before my surgery, I used to worry about how I would live the rest of my life with this condition. I couldn’t write on paper because it would get drenched with sweat. Two weeks before my surgery, I had to write a survey for school using a pencil and paper, and by the time I was done, it looked like I had taken my paper and stood in the drizzling rain. I also used to worry about how I would shake so many hands on my wedding day, or hold my husband’s hand at the alter, and yes that’s a very far fetched idea but it’s something that bothered me often. I also used to worry about how I would touch my own child with my wet hands, or if my child would say “ew mommy why are your hands so wet?” in front of a room of people. Little things like this are thoughts that I faced for years on end when I felt like I had no escape. 

            For some people, seeing my “old hands” (lol) is probably absolutely mind blowing. I know most people have never had more than a slight layer of sweat when they’re nervous but I woke up everyday and went through almost my entire day with slightly wet to drenched hands and feet. The amount of sweat I had was completely unpredictable. 

            I also developed the tendency to wash my hands a lot. Some people who saw me scrubbing my hands would make weird faces or comments and assume I'm a germaphobe (eh, I kind of am). But when your hands are constantly wet, they feel very dirty. So I got into the habit of washing them more often than most people do. I also would run my hands under cold water in the summer as a way to cool my body temperature and temporarily stop the sweating. (Didn't work).

            Here are two pictures showing the before and after of my hands. The first picture is from a few months ago: I was sitting in my room, relaxing and watching TV, and all of a sudden felt something tickling my arm. It was sweat dripping off my hands! Pretty normal for me, especially when I was nervous or very hot. The second picture was taken right after I wrote this blog post. Feeling a little anxious but I'm bone dry!!

            Before- gross, I know                                             After- is this what a normal hand is supposed to look like!?

       
    By now, I hope it’s obvious that for my physical and emotional wellbeing, this surgery was completely necessary. 

            The day of the surgery was long and exhausting, with a lot of waiting and anticipation. I kept looking at my sweaty hands and tearing up because I couldn’t believe that was the last time I’d have to see that. 

            I was put under anesthesia and the procedure was only half an hour. I don’t remember anything beyond my anesthesiologist telling me he was giving me “a good dose of wine” in my IV and then put oxygen over my nose. When I woke up, I had an extremely dry throat because I had a breathing tube during the surgery. 

            I knew where I was when I woke up and I looked down at my hands and they were bone dry. I rubbed my hand and it was completely dry, then I held it in a clenched fist and it wasn’t sweating. If I wasn’t so drowsy, I would have cried but I had no energy to. 

            Much to my surprise, the pain is actually internal in my chest and back, which are the areas that the actual surgical incisions took place. But it’s been pretty manageable and is completely worth a life time of sweat free hands. The healing process is only about a week or two and I have antibiotics and pain killers. 

            There are quite a few side effects. The biggest one is called “compensatory sweating” which means that the sweat that would occur on my hands will be redirected somewhere else. Usually the back or stomach. I was asked repeatedly if I was okay with this, and I said yes! Anywhere other than my hands is fine by me. 

            I also had a lot of people tell me that they have hyperhidrosis on other parts of their body when I shared my story. They’d tell me they sweat a lot from their back, or their neck, or their forehead, and while I can totally sympathize and I feel that pain, I also had to say: "yes but….. do you shake hands with your back? Do people offer high fives to your neck?" I totally get that excessive sweating from any part of your body is uncomfortable and embarrassing but the fact that your entire life depends on the constant use of your hands was just too unbearable for me to suffer from anymore. 

            The stories I have of being embarrassed by someone noticing (or worse, touching) my sweaty hands are endless, and I’ve spent so much of my life sitting in silence ruminating over how embarrassed and ashamed I was. It just feels weird that there are people in the world who I’ll never see again but have this permanent thought of me as “the girl with the toes that were dripping with sweat while she was getting a pedicure that it looked like she was having an allergic reaction to the body cream.”

            I should probably be embarrassed by the fact that I’m openly admitting that my hands and feet dripped with sweat, often in front of other people, but hey that’s the old me now!! The night I got home, I slathered my hands with greasy lotion and it immediately sunk in and dried, whereas before hand lotion would sit on my palms and ball up with it was mixed with my sweat. I’m absolutely mind blown. 

            Finally, to end this novel of a post, I want to offer my own advice about how to deal with palmoplantar hyperhidrosis (or any kind). 

            There are many options to treat hyperhidrosis which can work if you only had a mild case. Drysol and tons of other extra strength antiperspirants can do the trick, but for me it wasn’t worth applying it every night for the rest of my life in order to have some relief. There’s also Botox, which includes about 40 needles in each hand, and costs $700 per session which has to be done twice a year and is not permanent, and is not guaranteed to work. I never tried that route. Botox seems to work well on armpits, though. It’s covered by the Ontario government (even though hands and feet aren’t, ugh) and has pretty good success rates. Still painful, though. There’s also pills you can take which basically dry you up from the inside and I definitely did not think constant dry mouth and dizziness was worth dry hands.

            There is also something called an “iontophoresis machine” which is two little tubs filled with an inch of water and electric currents running through it. I was offered this by the dermatologist I went to. You have to go to sessions multiple times a week which for me were half an hour away, but it was covered by the government. The machine is also available to buy for about $800, which I was considering but it’s still not a permanent solution. Years ago, I bought equipment off of Amazon to make my own machine, because I was so desperate in the middle of a sweaty summer. It only cost me $40 but it did not work at all and the voltage from the battery pack I used would sting my hands as I stood there for 10 minutes everyday. 

            Another device is called Miradry, which is a permanent and non surgical solution for hyperhidrosis only on the armpits. I would have loved to take advantage of this but it’s not an option for hands and feet. 

            So that’s where ETS surgery comes in. It’s permanent and extreme and is only for the most desperate of people. I had no issues getting a referral from my doctor, and my surgeon was more than willing to perform the procedure on me. Better yet, the Ontario government recognizes the surgery as non-cosmetic so it was completely free of charge. (Although, I would have paid any amount of money to fix my condition). This was a decision that took me years and years to decide on. I first discovered it in university during one of my annual hyperhidrosis remedies search on google but I thought it was too drastic at the time. I still think it was a big stretch but when I suffered for so long, it was completely worth it.

            My advice to you or anyone who is suffering from any type of hyperhidrosis: talk to your doctor and ask for advice or help. Drysol is the best first step to take and it really did work until my body became accustomed to it. I would hope your condition isn’t as severe as mine so all of the treatments up to surgery are options you can take. 

            So far, my life is completely changed but I’ll definitely be the real judge once the summer hits. I can’t believe I needlessly suffered for so long but I am so proud of myself for being brave enough to take this risk and help myself in a way that I desperately needed.

            
            Hopefully this post was useful for those who have hyperhidrosis issues. If not, then consider yourself more educated about the world and the lifestyles of the extra sweaty. 

            Thank you for reading about my story, feel free to share it with anyone who needs to hear it and I wish you a life full of sweat free hands because boy this is a cool feeling. (Pun intended).