My hyperhidrosis story

           Hello!!!!! I am currently writing this post while on bed rest for a few days. I am A-okay and that is all part of my story for this blog post.

            I am so excited (like I’ve never been so happy and relieved in my entire life) to publish this post and share my story with as many people as possible. I know this is something very common and very debilitating and I’ve been waiting months to be able to post this.

            This is going to be a long post because it's basically recollecting on years of my life and I don't want to leave anything out, so enjoy. 

            For fifteen years, I’ve had severe hyperhidrosis. If you don’t know what that is, you can count your lucky blessings because that probably means you or anyone around you does not suffer from it. Hyperhidrosis literally translates to “excessive sweating.”

            I had palmoplantar hyperhidrosis, which means hands (palmar) and feet (plantar) and it started when I was eight years old. There's no known cause, I was basically told that I have overactive sweat glands and that's about all.

            According to le Google, hyperhidrosis affects only 2%-3% of the American population, BUT since I’m bored in bed, I did the math and that translates to as many as 9,000,000 people just in America! I’m not even included in that statistic because I’m Canadian. So, it’s a pretty common condition to suffer from.

            Anyways, to explain why I’m currently on bed rest. Yesterday (which would be Feb. 20) I had a surgery called an “Endoscopic Thoracic Sympathectomy” (click here to learn more).

            I basically had a portion of the ‘sympathetic nerve trunk’ in my body destroyed, so it no longer sends any signals to my brain to make my hands sweat. (And armpits which I didn’t need but is an added bonus.) 

            Right now, I have four incisions on my body, two on each side around my armpit and breast area. (So it’s safe to assume that every person in the OR saw my boobs, lol). I believe one incision on each side was for a camera, and the second one was for the utensil that severed the nerve. I’m extremely thankful that I was unconscious the entire time but a part of me wishes it was recorded so that I could see the action. 

            So that’s how I’ve been spending my reading week! I’ll be on bed rest until I have to go back to school on Monday and I can’t wear a bra or deodorant until then, or exercise for a couple weeks (which really is a great excuse to be lazy for a while).

            I realize that many people who read this post may not relate to it (and I sure hope you don’t, for your benefit) BUT I still think it’s worth a read because you may know someone who does and you’d like to share this with them (please do). Also, this is a cool conversation starter: “hey I know a girl who got the nerves to her sweats glands in her hands and armpits destroyed, isn’t that wild?”

            The journey to get from here to there has been very long, embarrassing, uncomfortable, and annoying. Every single day since it developed, I have had sweat on my hands and feet, some days it was just a thin, uncomfortable layer, and others it literally dripped down onto my clothes, the floor, and anything I was touching. 

            My first experience with hyperhidrosis was in fouth grade, when I was in class trying to colour in an art project. The memory is so vivid because it was the start of a really embarrassing, reoccurring experience. We were given an hour to colour in a drawing. The whole time I was having trouble holding onto my pencil crayon, it kept slipping out and I couldn’t get a good grip on my pencil or my sharpener. At the end of the hour, my teacher collected the drawings and every single person finished colouring, except for me. She announced to the entire class that I would have to take my drawing home to finish. I was humiliated and no one even knew that it was because of my sweaty hands. It was hard for me because I was so used to being top of my class in every other subject, but I couldn’t manage to colour in a parrot when everyone else finished.    

            For the past few months, I’ve been studying my hands and I came up with the conclusion that about 20% of my day, they were dry enough to touch someone or something and not be embarrassed or leave a sweat mark. As for the other 80% of my day, they were wet. So, not a very good statistic. 

            I decided to get this surgery in June 2018, which gave me a lot of time to think it over and had me in and out of doctor’s appointments and meetings with my surgeon in order to conclude that this was the best option for me. There are quite a few options for hyperhidrosis which do work for many people, and worked for me for a few years, but it got to the point that it was too severe and my only option was the permanent (and life changing) one.

            I was tired of being controlled by something that I, for lack of a better word, had no control over. I couldn’t think myself out of sweating, I couldn’t just wipe my hands on my pants to dry off, and there was nothing I could do to my body or hands that could stop it.

            June was when I decided to go back to school and pursue a career in journalism and writing. I realized that in order to get into a career, I would have to meet a lot of people and shake a lot of hands. My hyperhidrosis gave me an extreme fear of touching people. The best way I can describe it is as a cycle: my hands would be naturally sweaty--> I'd realize they’re sweaty and anticipate hand shaking and get anxious-->anxiety causes sweaty hands-->sweaty hands make shaking hands embarrassing-->anxiety over being embarrassed-->more sweat-->endless cycle.

            I didn’t want to be held back into starting my life over something that I had no control over. It wasn’t fair. I did all of the research, so by the time I went into my doctor’s office, I said: here’s what the surgery is called, here’s a clinic that has a surgeon who does it, all I need is your referral, please and thank you. She took one look at my hands, said “wow I’ve never seen someone so severe” (I just love being an extraordinary case), and told me she was going to help me change my life. My doctor didn’t know much about the surgery because it was very rare, and not many people take that route. My surgeon only performed a few hundred, but I was still confident in him. 

            I first talked to my doctor about my sweaty hands when I was about 10 and she gave me Drysol (if you’ve ever had sweating issues, you’ll be very good friends with this product). I used it for a few years, mostly in the summer when I sweat a lot more, and it worked but it wasn’t great. Eventually my hands got used to it and it no longer worked. 

            During the end of elementary school and all through high school, I had axillary hyperhidrosis (in the armpits!) as well as my feet and hands. I remember using Drysol for a few nights before prom because I stupidly got a dress that would show every mark, and the night before I lay in bed in excruciating pain because yes the Drysol worked, but it worked so well that it completely shrivelled up and dried out my sweat glands so they were all swollen and red. Hyperhidrosis is really a lose-lose situation. 

            To my luck, my axillary hyperhidrosis went away on its own when I started university. For the last few years, I have had almost no underarm sweating, which sounds great, but not when it just got redirected to my hands and feet. I’m pretty sure underarm hyperhidrosis is the most common, even more than hands and feet, so if you suffer from that, please know that I completely sympathize with you, but you have a lot of options to help keep it under control or stop it altogether. 

            The fact that I’ve had this condition for so long means that every year, like clockwork, when the weather warms up and most girls were on the internet looking for cute summer dresses, I was in my room googling “hyperhidrosis remedies” looking for something to bring me some relief. 

            When I was 21, I asked my doctor to refer to me to a dermatologist who specialized in sweating. I sat in his office, showed him my soaking wet hands, he touched them and went “wow, that’s a lot” and still only prescribed me another over the counter antiperspirant which my hands literally laughed at. I was annoyed because I told him Drysol did nothing and he still gave me something exactly like it. He also was completely against the ETS surgery because it’s such a severe option. I never went for a follow up and never saw him again. 

            The reason I finally went to a dermatologist was because at that time in my life, I was learning how to drive. I’ve never told anyone this story, besides my parents, because I was so embarrassed. As you will well know, driving requires complete use of your hands. Well mine were wet, all the time. Not only did I have hyperhidrosis but I also had uh…… nervousness about driving! 

            My first driving instructor was a bitter old man, and from the moment I met him, he mocked me about my sweaty hands. I started my lessons on a hot July day (really, that was dumb on my part) so naturally I was extremely sweaty. I also stayed with this guy for about a year, and every single lesson we had, he made fun of me. He would say things like “ugh that’s disgusting” or “ew you’re sweating all over my wheel” and take a wet wipe and clean it as I drove. It was so discouraging and embarrassing and it set me back in my driving for a lot longer than necessary. (I’m literally tearing up as I write this because I feel bad for myself for having to go through that.) (Also just a disclaimer: this post is not to get sympathy and aww boo-hoo for you from everyone, it’s just a way to share my story and hopefully resonate with some people suffering too.)

            So I went to the “professional sweat doctor”, he completely let me down, and I was back to square one. I could not advance in my driving journey without a solution, and I was so discouraged and upset. One day I finally got the courage, called my driving school, asked for a new instructor and within days I was sitting in his car. My solution: wearing gloves!! Duh! My parents recommend driving gloves, like those leather ones that racecar drivers use. But I just got a pair of thin, winter gloves, got into his car and said, “Hi, I’m Stefanie. I have sweaty hands so I’m going to wear gloves to every lesson so that my hands don’t distract me.” He was such a nice man, he said that’s okay and showed me his hands and said “I sweat too!” (He had a tiny sprinkle of wetness, but I smiled and gave him my sympathy.) 

            So, if you’re someone who’s been set back from driving because of your sweaty hands, take note from my experience because it worked. I took my driving test on a hot, October day, wore my silly gloves, and still passed with flying colours. 

            Other things I’ve missed out on: I had to give up gymnastics when I was about 10 because I was embarrassed by the fact that I left hand prints all over the mats and couldn’t support my body because my hands were too sweaty. I also could never ever hold hands with people, and high fives were a big no. Every time a boyfriend went to hold my hand, within one minute it would start profusely sweating and sometimes they’d say “sorry, I’m getting sweaty” and I’d internally laugh because he thought it was him when it was actually me!! But it only took a few more tries for me to admit my condition and kind of say…. “take it or leave it, buddy”. 

            My first and last manicure was in high school, when the lady slathered my hand in cream (big no-no if you have hyperhidrosis) and then went “oh… are you….warm?” when my hands were sweating all over hers. Whenever my friends would invite me for manicures, I’d say “oh I don’t like them, I find having someone hold my hand is awkward.” Lies! I just didn’t want to face that embarrassment again.

            As I previously said, I’ve spent years and years googling hyperhidrosis remedies, stories, and experiences. I was never able to find anyone who openly shared their experience, until I realized YouTube is full of videos. But, there’s no text or blog posts about it, so that’s why I’m so eager and excited to share this. I think it will be nice for those people who suffer in silence, just like I did, to find someone who knows exactly what they’re going through. 

            Something I find pretty funny is the fact that almost all of the YouTube videos of people with hyperhidrosis and those who have had the ETS surgery are all young, pretty girls. It’s like God said, “oh no, I put in too much pretty, I must add in something negative so they don’t become too powerful." Those videos really helped me feel a lot less alone in my struggle. 

            Another really interesting story I found was of an American surgeon who performed ETS surgeries. He said he does both ETS and other surgeries for cancer. What blew my mind was the fact that he said his patients who had ETS surgeries were ten times more grateful and emotional for his work than the people he performed life saving cancer removal surgeries on!! That really speaks volumes about how awful this condition is. 

            By now, I think the most obvious theme of my journey with hyperhidrosis is that it really had a strong hold over my life, as well as the fact that this was one of my best kept secrets. I only started opening up to my friends about it when I had my surgery booked. I didn’t tell everyone because I didn’t exactly want to be the poster child for sweaty hands. I think that’s fair. But almost everyone was very supportive. When you suffer for so long and in silence, it gets to you emotionally and mentally. I spent many times sobbing in my doctor’s office because I couldn’t even express how much it affected my anxiety and mental health. Side note: every time I talked on my blog about how awful my anxiety can be, I was also hiding the fact that I suffered from hyperhidrosis which caused a lot of my anxious feelings. 

            I’m extremely relieved that I can get this off my chest but also that I don’t have to suffer anymore! I know in my last post, I said I won’t use the word “suffer”, but I think in regards to my hyperhidrosis, it’s the most fitting word. I didn’t really “battle” it because I was always on the losing side. I suffered because I missed out on opportunities to meet new people, I spent a lot of time isolated in my room where no one could see or touch my sweaty hands, and I generally was uncomfortable and embarrassed a lot of the time. This was not just “I hate my nose so I’m getting surgery to fix it,” it’s really a matter of making my life easier and less uncomfortable and I am so glad I did it. 

            Before my surgery, I used to worry about how I would live the rest of my life with this condition. I couldn’t write on paper because it would get drenched with sweat. Two weeks before my surgery, I had to write a survey for school using a pencil and paper, and by the time I was done, it looked like I had taken my paper and stood in the drizzling rain. I also used to worry about how I would shake so many hands on my wedding day, or hold my husband’s hand at the alter, and yes that’s a very far fetched idea but it’s something that bothered me often. I also used to worry about how I would touch my own child with my wet hands, or if my child would say “ew mommy why are your hands so wet?” in front of a room of people. Little things like this are thoughts that I faced for years on end when I felt like I had no escape. 

            For some people, seeing my “old hands” (lol) is probably absolutely mind blowing. I know most people have never had more than a slight layer of sweat when they’re nervous but I woke up everyday and went through almost my entire day with slightly wet to drenched hands and feet. The amount of sweat I had was completely unpredictable. 

            I also developed the tendency to wash my hands a lot. Some people who saw me scrubbing my hands would make weird faces or comments and assume I'm a germaphobe (eh, I kind of am). But when your hands are constantly wet, they feel very dirty. So I got into the habit of washing them more often than most people do. I also would run my hands under cold water in the summer as a way to cool my body temperature and temporarily stop the sweating. (Didn't work).

            Here are two pictures showing the before and after of my hands. The first picture is from a few months ago: I was sitting in my room, relaxing and watching TV, and all of a sudden felt something tickling my arm. It was sweat dripping off my hands! Pretty normal for me, especially when I was nervous or very hot. The second picture was taken right after I wrote this blog post. Feeling a little anxious but I'm bone dry!!

            Before- gross, I know                                             After- is this what a normal hand is supposed to look like!?

       
    By now, I hope it’s obvious that for my physical and emotional wellbeing, this surgery was completely necessary. 

            The day of the surgery was long and exhausting, with a lot of waiting and anticipation. I kept looking at my sweaty hands and tearing up because I couldn’t believe that was the last time I’d have to see that. 

            I was put under anesthesia and the procedure was only half an hour. I don’t remember anything beyond my anesthesiologist telling me he was giving me “a good dose of wine” in my IV and then put oxygen over my nose. When I woke up, I had an extremely dry throat because I had a breathing tube during the surgery. 

            I knew where I was when I woke up and I looked down at my hands and they were bone dry. I rubbed my hand and it was completely dry, then I held it in a clenched fist and it wasn’t sweating. If I wasn’t so drowsy, I would have cried but I had no energy to. 

            Much to my surprise, the pain is actually internal in my chest and back, which are the areas that the actual surgical incisions took place. But it’s been pretty manageable and is completely worth a life time of sweat free hands. The healing process is only about a week or two and I have antibiotics and pain killers. 

            There are quite a few side effects. The biggest one is called “compensatory sweating” which means that the sweat that would occur on my hands will be redirected somewhere else. Usually the back or stomach. I was asked repeatedly if I was okay with this, and I said yes! Anywhere other than my hands is fine by me. 

            I also had a lot of people tell me that they have hyperhidrosis on other parts of their body when I shared my story. They’d tell me they sweat a lot from their back, or their neck, or their forehead, and while I can totally sympathize and I feel that pain, I also had to say: "yes but….. do you shake hands with your back? Do people offer high fives to your neck?" I totally get that excessive sweating from any part of your body is uncomfortable and embarrassing but the fact that your entire life depends on the constant use of your hands was just too unbearable for me to suffer from anymore. 

            The stories I have of being embarrassed by someone noticing (or worse, touching) my sweaty hands are endless, and I’ve spent so much of my life sitting in silence ruminating over how embarrassed and ashamed I was. It just feels weird that there are people in the world who I’ll never see again but have this permanent thought of me as “the girl with the toes that were dripping with sweat while she was getting a pedicure that it looked like she was having an allergic reaction to the body cream.”

            I should probably be embarrassed by the fact that I’m openly admitting that my hands and feet dripped with sweat, often in front of other people, but hey that’s the old me now!! The night I got home, I slathered my hands with greasy lotion and it immediately sunk in and dried, whereas before hand lotion would sit on my palms and ball up with it was mixed with my sweat. I’m absolutely mind blown. 

            Finally, to end this novel of a post, I want to offer my own advice about how to deal with palmoplantar hyperhidrosis (or any kind). 

            There are many options to treat hyperhidrosis which can work if you only had a mild case. Drysol and tons of other extra strength antiperspirants can do the trick, but for me it wasn’t worth applying it every night for the rest of my life in order to have some relief. There’s also Botox, which includes about 40 needles in each hand, and costs $700 per session which has to be done twice a year and is not permanent, and is not guaranteed to work. I never tried that route. Botox seems to work well on armpits, though. It’s covered by the Ontario government (even though hands and feet aren’t, ugh) and has pretty good success rates. Still painful, though. There’s also pills you can take which basically dry you up from the inside and I definitely did not think constant dry mouth and dizziness was worth dry hands.

            There is also something called an “iontophoresis machine” which is two little tubs filled with an inch of water and electric currents running through it. I was offered this by the dermatologist I went to. You have to go to sessions multiple times a week which for me were half an hour away, but it was covered by the government. The machine is also available to buy for about $800, which I was considering but it’s still not a permanent solution. Years ago, I bought equipment off of Amazon to make my own machine, because I was so desperate in the middle of a sweaty summer. It only cost me $40 but it did not work at all and the voltage from the battery pack I used would sting my hands as I stood there for 10 minutes everyday. 

            Another device is called Miradry, which is a permanent and non surgical solution for hyperhidrosis only on the armpits. I would have loved to take advantage of this but it’s not an option for hands and feet. 

            So that’s where ETS surgery comes in. It’s permanent and extreme and is only for the most desperate of people. I had no issues getting a referral from my doctor, and my surgeon was more than willing to perform the procedure on me. Better yet, the Ontario government recognizes the surgery as non-cosmetic so it was completely free of charge. (Although, I would have paid any amount of money to fix my condition). This was a decision that took me years and years to decide on. I first discovered it in university during one of my annual hyperhidrosis remedies search on google but I thought it was too drastic at the time. I still think it was a big stretch but when I suffered for so long, it was completely worth it.

            My advice to you or anyone who is suffering from any type of hyperhidrosis: talk to your doctor and ask for advice or help. Drysol is the best first step to take and it really did work until my body became accustomed to it. I would hope your condition isn’t as severe as mine so all of the treatments up to surgery are options you can take. 

            So far, my life is completely changed but I’ll definitely be the real judge once the summer hits. I can’t believe I needlessly suffered for so long but I am so proud of myself for being brave enough to take this risk and help myself in a way that I desperately needed.

            
            Hopefully this post was useful for those who have hyperhidrosis issues. If not, then consider yourself more educated about the world and the lifestyles of the extra sweaty. 

            Thank you for reading about my story, feel free to share it with anyone who needs to hear it and I wish you a life full of sweat free hands because boy this is a cool feeling. (Pun intended).

I'm a living paradox

         Hello! I’ve been absent for quite a while and it’s because of how hectic this semester has been. I had an actual slap in the face with how much work I have to do for the next couple of months.

         But anyways that’s a pathetic excuse for not posting weekly like I planned to. I am very small and very tired and I am writing non-stop this semester so my brain (and also my fingers!) are exhausted. 

         I hope everyone else is doing well though!!! Hopefully your first month of the year has been a little less hectic than mine.

         Last week, Canada celebrated Bell Let’s Talk Day and I actually went to a panel talk to cover for an article that I wrote for school which you can *wink wink* read here.

         I also recently went to another more casual talk about mental health that was hosted by an amazing YouTuber, Joey Kidney. I covered that for school too so it will be publicly posted soon!!

         So, as if it’s not obvious enough, I am not only a mental health activist, but I’m pretty educated on it and I’m very aware of the constant state of my own mental health.

         This post is loooong but since it’s so overdue, it’s kind of a jumble of my thoughts as I sat down to write. This was written over three days so if it seems like it’s here, there, and everywhere, that’s why. Hopefully this makes up for my absence, and I won’t be offended if it takes you a few days to get through reading it. 

         Also a side note related to this post, my future posts, and hopefully your own vocabulary here on out. I read a tweet the other day that said something along the lines of: referring to people’s mental illnesses by saying they are ‘struggling’ or ‘suffering’ just means that they are losing their fight. Saying that someone is ‘battling a mental illness’ insinuates that they are fighting and winning. 

         So, from here on out, I’ve made it my own goal and I hope you can take something from this too. Saying that someone is struggling and suffering from a mental health issue doesn’t give them the opportunity to be seen as battling and overcoming a lengthy match. 

         

         Back to scheduled programming.

         I talk about my anxiety, a lot. I’m very open about it, I have zero shame and I am 100% certain that I am battling my anxiety. Very recently, I have been pushing myself out of the comfort zone that my anxiety puts me in and I’ve felt a thousand times better than I have in a long time.

         I am not suffering, at all. As I’ve said before and will say a thousand more times on my blog, I have high functioning anxiety. Which means that my anxiety is very active in my day to day life but I function well and I am very successful despite it. Some days, my anxiety actually pushes me to do things out of precaution or worry which benefits me. Obviously I still have my downfalls, my bad days, and my anxiety attacks. But normally I go about my day to day life completely aware that my anxiety is irrational and over reactive and I try my hardest not to let it have a strong hold of myself.

         So, if I don’t reach out to you often or at all, it’s not because I don’t think you can help, or I don’t want you to know about what I’m going through, or any other reason to exclude you from my life. I have battled my anxiety for over a decade, completely alone. And I intend to continue doing just that. I am a very independent person and I rarely reach out to anyone for help with anything in general because I want to do everything by myself. I know that I can overcome my anxiety everyday with me, myself, and I. I don’t want to invalidate my strength as a human being by constantly running to others to console me. 

         In fact, I actually had an anxiety counsellor for a few months. I stopped talking to her because I didn’t like depending on someone else to help me with something that was completely personal to me. I couldn’t handle being encouraged and pushed by someone else to overcome my fears and anxieties because I need my motivation to come from within. 

         Something she would constantly tell me was that she was so impressed and a little bit surprised by the fact that I am so aware of how my anxiety affects me but I don’t do anything to stop it. She said that most people aren’t aware that they’re losing out on life because of anxiety. But I would constantly say “I know this stupid” or “I know I shouldn’t worry about that” which she said is such a breakthrough because that means I’m completely aware of the way my brain malfunctions, I just haven’t mastered the art of not letting it control my life. 

         So, just further proof that I want and can go through this alone most days because I know I am smart enough and strong enough to.  

         When I need an emotional or physical hug, I will reach out. The times I do are few and far between, but I promise you when I need you, I will come. This past year has been exhausting because of school, but I’ve generally felt in control and I want to get through my fear of growing up and starting my career completely alone. 

         It also goes without saying that anxiety is so irrational that I can’t even get the words to describe it out of my mouth. The things I’ve had anxiety attacks over for the past few months have been so stupid that I just can’t have anyone know that this is what plagues me. So I keep it to myself, go to bed, and hope I’m over it by the morning. Most days I am. Each day brings a new little struggle and I’ve become very good at getting over little hurdles completely alone. I’m proud of myself, I feel strong emotionally and spiritually and when I meet a hurdle that I feel too weak to get over alone, I will reach out to anyone and everyone who can help me. 

         I also want to say that I made my blog to share my journey with anxiety, life, and everything in between as a way to attract people who want to read about someone else who feels the same way or goes through the same things as they do. For some people, hearing me share my own personal experiences might bring you comfort and relief and help you feel less alone in a world that’s full of alienation and exclusion. I personally feel like I was put on this earth to help other people because I am strong enough to battle my own mental health issues and I can teach and guide others who are just like me. 

         All I ask of the people who care about me is to please don’t underestimate how strong I am. I’ve gone through a lot, completely alone, and I am so extremely proud of myself for that. 

         If in the past I’ve said that I’m “struggling” or “suffering”, I now recognize that those words are completely wiped from my vocabulary and I will no longer use them. But if I say I feel “overwhelmed” or “extremely anxious”, I also recognize that these feelings are not key characteristics of who I am, and most importantly are not permanent. 

         I can temporarily feel overcome with anxiety for short or long periods of time, but at the end of it all, the goal is to overcome my anxiety using the tools I’ve learned and my very strong determinance.  I may choose to reach out to others for a little boost, motivation, or just a venting session or I might spend many days alone, in silence, solitude, and protection from the world. It’s really my choice. I’m not going to force myself to ask for help if I don’t want or need it. 

         That’s where I want to say to you: do what you need to do to feel better. If you want to talk to someone about what you’re going through, then do it. If your mental illness makes you want to seclude yourself from the world until you feel better, do that too. You weren’t put on the earth to suffer in a way that hurts and alienates you, you’re here to battle everything that comes your way in however long it takes and with however many people you need on your team. 

         For me, my team is usually me, myself, and I. Some days, it’s me, myself, and my mom. Sometimes it’s me, myself, and only one specific friend who can understand what I’m currently going through. Sometimes, it’s me, myself, and Netflix or me, myself, and a lot of sleep. Everyday is something new and each day I learn and adapt to my changing life. 

         I realized quite a while ago that I might be a walking paradox. I find when I’m writing about myself in general, but mostly about my anxiety, that I contradict myself a lot. You might have noticed this about me (or yourself) too. It makes me very self conscious when I share my anxieties (yes talking about my anxiety gives me anxiety), but I always push myself to just click publish and share my story because I want to help other people who feel similar. 

         I know that sometimes I say I am or have been extremely anxious and other times I say that I am strong, independent woman but that’s what the paradox is all about. It changes everyday and guess what? So do I. I would be nothing if I didn’t learn to be flexible and adapt to my changing life and state of my mind. 

         For example, in my post a few months ago, I said that I have an irrational fear of birthday parties. Which is still true for the most part. But the other night I went to a birthday party. And I wasn’t anxious about it at all. Actually, when I woke up the morning of, I felt almost…excited? I was sitting in bed like what is this feeling I’m feeling? Tis not anxiety, tis almost excitement. It was such a breakthrough for me. Again, I sound like I’m contradicting myself but really this is just part of growth for me. 

         I’m also really paradoxical in my behaviour. Some days I have absolutely nothing to say and others you can’t shut me up. In some situations, I’m the life of the party and others I’m a wallflower with no desire to fit in. It really depends on my state of mind, the people around me, and possibly……the direction of the sun. It’s unpredictable is what I’m trying to say. But that’s how I am and I live on a take it or leave it basis. 

         

         I know from my studies and experiences that mental health issues are not constant. If you know anyone or you yourself have a mental illness, then you will know that every single day brings something different. Especially for people battling depression, there are some days they they function pretty well and go to to work or do their day to day duties and get along fine. But other days they hit a brick wall and can’t leave their bed. The very nature of mental health issues is that they are never in a state of constancy. That’s why they’re so unpredictable and so nerve wracking.

         I never know how I’m going to feel when I wake up. It makes me feel, for lack of a better word, very anxious. I get anxious about whether I will wake up anxious. It sounds so ridiculous but I think if you understand exactly what I’m talking about, then you’ll nod and agree. 

         This is and always has been a journey for me and I think my anxiety is such an important part of who I am. I would not be wary and cautious without it but sometimes I also think I need it to be careful of the things I say and do because I need some form of self control. (Also, I tend to have no filter on the things I say so without being anxious about the response I get, I would be spewing out stupid things all day). (Maybe that’s why I’m a writer……I think I just like to talk…….although people who have seen me sit alone in silence in a crowded room would disagree). (Ugh, I’m such a paradox). 

         

         My advice to you is to just do what makes you happy. Practice self care as often and as much as you need to. Try to become aware of the things you’re feeling and ask yourself why you’re feeling that way and if you’re feeling ambitious, try stopping yourself from feeling negatively. 

         It’s very easy to say “I’m so anxious” or “I’m feeling so xyz” but the challenge is asking yourself “why am I feeling so xyz?” I know I have the type of anxiety that always has a “trigger” and even if I feel like there’s no cause, deep down I know there is something I’m suppressing that’s making me feel this way. 

         My second piece of advice is to slow down. Maybe even stop. I mean it’s hard to stop when you live a very busy life or even a normal life where you need to be constantly on the go. My life right now has been the busiest it’s ever been, but I still take the time every now and then to slow myself down and just let myself relax. 

         During my first semester of post grad school, I accidentally committed myself to six day weeks between work and school. At one point, work got busy so I did fifteen days straight. On the fourteenth day I had a breakdown in my bedroom ten minutes before my shift started. It was over the stupidest thing but I had worked myself to the bone so my brain had a temper tantrum in an effort to try to slow me down. It worked, and after that I decided to cool it down and sacrifice a few extra dollars so that I could have days off and mentally recover from my busy life. 

         You need a day off. Honestly at least once, maybe even twice a week. They’re called “five-day work weeks” for a reason. People who have to constantly surround themselves by other people and make plans on their days off confuse me. Aren’t they exhausted? I hope they’re taking the time to slow themselves down. And I hope you are too.

         

         Thank you for reading and I look very forward to next my post. It’s going to be about something very personal but also that I know millions of people also suffer—NAY, battle, on a daily basis.

         Wishing you a wonderful day, night, month, year, lifetime and I’ll see y’all on the flipside.

Five Books To Read This Year

            Hey y’all! I hope your year is off to a great start. 

            I know I’ve been MIA for over two weeks and I wish I could say “oh I’ve been SO busy and have not had one day off!” but that would be a lie. I’ve actually just not been in the mindset to write lately and that’s about all.

            I do plan to discuss this issue in my post about living with anxiety. A huge issue I face is that I lose motivation really quickly when I’m anxious (which is, you know, always), so lately finding the energy to write this simple blog post has been hard. 

            Anyways, today’s post is about books! I’m sure there is a number of people who made a New Year’s Resolution to start reading more this year so consider me your source for a few good books to get you into the groove (even though I’m two weeks late). 

            I absolutely love reading, it is one of my favourite hobbies. And I really encourage reading a book as not only a way to escape your phone/TV/computer but it’s a really effective way to escape your negative/frazzled/worrisome thoughts. And if you read this post then you’d know how much I recommend reading to anyone with anxiety or just an overwhelming mind/thoughts/worries in general. 

            I am going to list these in order of my least to most favourite, with 1 being worst and 5 being best. Enjoy!

1. I’ll Be Gone in the Dark- Michelle McNamara

            This was actually the book I read during winter break and I just finished it so it’s fresh in my mind. This is also one of the few non-fiction books I’ve read in my life and I really enjoyed it. 

            This non-fiction book was published in February 2018 and was written by Michelle McNamara. It is about the Golden State Killer—a man who commit 13 murders, over 50 rapes, and 100 burglaries over a 12-year span. McNamara was intrigued and was intent on being part of the team that found the suspect and had him locked away. Unfortunately, she died in her sleep before the book could be published and was still in the midst of writing it. But a team of writers put the book together and published it two years after her death and only two months before the Golden State Killer was found!!

            This book was recommended by quite a few writers and journalists in April 2018 when the Golden State Killer was arrested. I decided to venture into a genre I don’t usually read and give it a go. And I’m really glad I did. The book was captivating and you can tell that McNamara was so passionate about doing investigative research on this man. She worked so hard on not only writing the book but finding out as much information as she could get and it shows. The research, interviews, and DNA sampling was really really interesting.

            The only downside is that the book didn’t really have a conclusion, mostly because McNamara never prepared one before her death. There was no ending with “and the killer is this man!” because at the time of publication, they didn’t know who he was! I knew that going into it but it was a little frustrating that it was just “who could do this?” with little answers. Also, if you’re a woman who lives alone, I probably wouldn’t recommend this just because it was about a lot of rape and murder that occurred in the middle of the night and this could scare you. I personally wasn’t scared, but that’s just because I’m more scared of ghosts and centipedes than I am of intruders. 

            If you’re interested in venturing into true crime or non-fiction books, I recommend giving this one a try, especially now that you know who the suspect is!!

2. Divergent- Veronica Roth

            I don’t really remember how this book ended up in my possession but I must say it was one of the better books I read last year. So good that I had to watch the movie right after to see how the book got adapted into a film. 

            This book reminded me a lot of The Hunger Games, in that it’s set in a futuristic world with different factions that people are separated into. It is a fiction book, written by Veronica Roth and is the first book in a trilogy. The novel revolves around the main character, Beatrice “Tris” Prior. She grew up from a family that comes from one specific faction “Abnegation” but doesn’t feel she identifies as it anymore once she reaches adulthood. She ventures off into another faction “Dauntless”, which of course disappoints her parents. Eventually, she realizes she has extra abilities and identifies as “Divergent”, hence the title. 

            I enjoyed this book because it was very fast paced and intriguing and constantly kept my attention. I had no issues with following along and I really enjoy action books, which makes no sense because I do not like action movies. The only negative was the fact that there was a lot of relationship drama involved, which for me doesn’t really attract me. If I wanted to read a love novel, I would, you know? But of course, incorporating love and relationships is what attracts a lot of people and creates drama, so I respect it. The movie was equally as good as the book and if I do ever run out of books to read one day, I will definitely finish the rest of the series!

            

3. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince- J. K. Rowling 

            In my humble and honest opinion, no list of great books is complete without at least one Harry Potter book. I recently got into HP a few years ago after years of thinking it was overhyped and for nerds (I really don’t know why I had that misconception). I read the first book during a plane ride and I was immediately hooked. I bought the entire book set last year and have read six of the seven original books (I’m holding back on the seventh one because I don’t want it to end!). I personally love the series because these are the types of books that completely consume you and transfer you to another universe. Also, when you read thousands of pages of the same characters, they eventually start to feel like family. So I recommend getting into the series if you want something to commit to, which you will because Rowling’s writing is so captivating and amazing.

            The Half-Blood Prince is the sixth book in the series and the most recent one I read, but that is not at all why it’s my favourite one (so far). Without giving too much of the story away, it basically revolves around Harry Potter as he becomes an adult, which is different from the other books when he was younger. He spends a lot of time with Dumbledore because of his special abilities to fight Voldemort (hopefully that isn’t too much of a spoiler). Quite a lot goes on in the 650 (!!) page book, so I can’t really say a lot without spoiling it all. I will, however, say that if you know anything about the shocking plot twist in the series, it happens in this book. 

            I adored this book a lot and even though it took me forever to get through, that didn’t stop me from loving it. The only cons of all of the Harry Potter books is that there are some dry sections that probably aren’t necessary and kind of drag on, and then other times there’s a big scene that goes by too quick for you to process. Otherwise, I just love Harry Potter. You can definitely read Half-Blood Prince without having read any of the other books because Rowling does a short recap about all of the characters at the beginning of each book to catch you up. 

4. The Alibi- Sandra Brown 

            I scored this book as part of a 3 for $10 deal at Indigo in the summer and I bought it because the description said it was about murder and I was intrigued. It took me about ten pages to absolutely fall in love with Sandra Brown as an author and I now own a bunch of her books.

            This fiction novel is about a man and a woman mostly, but also has a mix of other characters involved as well. It’s definitely a suspense thriller and it was the first thriller I read and totally got me hooked on that genre. The main character, Hammond Cross, has a one night stand with a female doctor. Shortly afterwards, she is accused of murder but uses Cross as her alibi, stating that she did not commit the crime because she was with him at the time. So it is a love story but with a lot of suspense, crime, and law involved.

            This was one of the few books I’ve read that is the definition of a page turner. I normally can put down a book and finish reading it whenever I want, but I barreled through this book because I just had to know what happened and the suspense was amazing. Hence why I became an instant fan of Sandra Brown.

            I think the only con of this book was that at times it was a little redundant and dragged on. But I knew that if I got through one small section that was boring, the rest would be amazing. This book is on sale for so cheap, I mean mine was literally $3 so if you ever happen to see it, definitely pick it up. 

5. My Sister’s Keeper- Jodi Picoult

            This book changed my life. I adore absolutely everything about it and I read it nearly ten years ago and it still holds a huge place in my heart! I was introduced to My Sister’s Keeper in high school when I chose it to write a book report on it. It’s a looooong book, 432 pages to be exact, but I wanted to take on the challenge of a big book.The reason I’m an avid reader and writer today is largely because of how amazing this book was.

            My Sister’s Keeper is a fiction novel about a girl named Anna who was born to an older sister named Kate, who has cancer. Anna was created as an organ and blood donor for her older sister. She spends most of the book resentful of her sister because of the fact that she’s spent a huge part of her life in the hospital being a savior. 

            I loved absolutely everything about this book and as far as I can remember, there was nothing specific that I disliked. The biggest part that knocked my socks off was the complete twist that happened around three quarters into the book. It was so severe, I remember gasping, slowly putting down the book, and staring at a wall until I could comprehend what happened. Side note: they did NOT include the twist in the movie which to this day infuriates me. So if you’ve seen the movie and know the plot, or saw the movie and disliked it, it’s still worth reading the book because the story is vastly different. Another huge thing I loved was that it was actually written in various different voices. Usually books are narrated by either one third person voice or by the main character, but in this one each chapter was narrated by a different person with a different personality and perspective and it really made the story interesting. It also made me fall in love with Jodi Picoult’s writing and I’ve read quite a few of her books since and none have let me down (but this one is my favourite). 

            If you are up for a long, but very easy and enjoyable read, I 10000% recommend this one. It will (hopefully) change your life and make you appreciate your good health a lot, as well as just give you something to look forward to reading everyday!! 

Why do we fear change?

        Hi there! I hope everyone’s holidays were great and that you all got some great presents, ate good food, and enjoyed spending time with your families. 

         I have really enjoyed my winter break so far but I’ve been a lot busier than I anticipated! I haven’t had any free time to write or do anything on my looooong to-do list. 

         As we head into a new year, I decided to make today’s blog post about change. I personally hate New Year's and I think it’s totally overhyped. 

         I’ve never had an official “New Year’s Resolution” because again I think the whole concept is overrated. Although, last year I made a “goal” to walk 10,000 steps everyday and I actually stuck to it! So I decided to continue that and just incorporate it into my daily life. 

         I’ve always considered change the scariest thing in the world. I’m a very complacent person who lives within my comfort zone and I seldom step outside of it so for me facing a change head on creates a lot of anxiety. I usually avoid making big changes in my life because I think they will only make me regretful and scared. 

         However, recently I was thinking about this concept and I decided to flip my mindset about it and think about all of the good things that change has brought into my life. 

         This year has been full of changes for me and they happened so quickly and were so drastic that I don’t think I noticed they were happening at the time.

         The first half of 2018 was really rough. I hit what I think is one of the lowest points of my life. I went into it feeling, for the lack of a better word, depressed. I had graduated university in June 2017 but could not find full time work in my field. Everyday I woke up and either went to work and felt like a hopeless robot or woke up past noon and lay in bed until my hunger pushed me to get up. I spent hours, job searching online and it was the most disappointing, confidence destroying, and exhausting process.

         Halfway through the year I turned my life and my year around for the better. One night (at 2 a.m.), I sat in bed squealing with excitement because I found the perfect program that my heart has been passionate about since high school. At the time it didn’t feel like I was going through a life change because it felt so right and my heart was exploding with joy and anticipation. But soon after my excitement died down, I started feeling my usual anxiety and I just had to push through, ignore the intrusive thoughts and just listen to my gut telling me it was going to be amazing.

         So the biggest change that I went through this year was deciding to start post grad school for journalism and follow through on my passion for writing since elementary school! 

         Another huge change I made this year is what you’re doing right now. My blog!! I never in a million, billion, trillion years thought I would ever have the confidence to express myself so freely on the internet. (I mean, I used to vent on my Tumblr but no one ever read my posts so it was mostly me talking to myself in a public arena). 

         The reason you are reading my blog today is because I spent about five months contemplating everyday whether I should just do it. I daydreamed about all of the things I would write and how many people would benefit from hearing someone else talk about their anxieties, fears, and weaknesses and help others feel less alone. But again, my fear of making a change in my life held me back until one night I held my breath and just did it. I will never regret doing this and this has been such an amazing journey. 

         Everyday I’m more surprised by how many compliments I get on my blog and it makes me feel so happy to hear that my own friends and family are supporting my work! I’m so used to hiding in the corner and I hate being in the spotlight but I think this is such an intimate way of sharing my thoughts with anyone who’s willing to listen. It makes me feel so honoured that there are dozens of people who sit down each week to read my writing. 

         I've also gone through a huge change with my body. In high school I decided I was tired of being overweight and I wanted to change it. So far, I’ve lost about 55 pounds which is like….a lot. The past year has been so full of ups and downs that my weight has stayed about the same. It has been demotivating but at the same time I also have to appreciate that I made such a big change to my body and I’m already at a very healthy weight (but could stand to lose a few more). That “change” that I made years ago basically just turned into my new life. Lucky for this transformation because if I didn’t, y’all would be rolling me out of all you can eat buffets. 

     Other cool things I changed this year:

·     My hair (I’m obsessed, it cost an arm and a leg and it was the best change.) (Also... the phrase “if you can’t change your life, change your hair” holds strong regardless of what you’re going through)

·     My eating habits (I got into drinking over three liters of water a day and I feel great…I wish my skin got the memo but I will be patient)

·     My writing (I started off one class with my prof ripping apart my assignments and ended the semester with all A’s and constant compliments on my work and improvements)

·     My mindset!!! Like I said, I spent half this year thinking life was meaningless and I was a failure and it took months of effort to remind myself to turn my “failures” into lessons 

        I know that for some people it is extremely hard to face the fact that your current situation is leading you nowhere and is only making you more frustrated and unhappy everyday. You probably see it and feel it, but why aren’t you doing anything to change it? 

         If there is something you can actively do or change to make yourself happier, then why not do it? When you’re already feeling down, only good things can come from making a positive change. I’ve learned to just cross my fingers, do that thing that scares me and hope that it works out. If it fails, I’ll deal with it when it comes. As someone who has failed and wasted a year of her life, I can assure you that as long as you’ll still have a roof over your head and good people around you, making a change or taking a big risk will be worth it if it can make your life better. And if you’re anxious like me and always prepare for the worst, just remember that I did not prepare myself for the worst at all. I still failed and then recovered and I came out of it with a smile on my face and a good story.          

         I don’t want to be that sappy white girl that says “make 2019 your year of change!” but …I’m kind of saying that. I personally know a lot of people that are kind of stagnant in their lives right now. They’re low-key miserable and their jobs are leading nowhere, but I can only see this from an outsider’s perspective (and also because they vent to me about it on an almost daily basis). It’s hard for me to sit here and say “you need to make a change this year” but if you fall into the category of unhappy people, I really do urge you to consider what changes you can make to better yourself and your happiness. I know it’s terrifying at first but it is so rewarding to be at a point where you know you are in the process of change and you can feel the happiness and excitement radiating out of your pores. 

         So, I think you should just go for it. You have my complete support and if you fail, I will be your hype girl to help you get back on the horse and try again. Really though, as long as you’re not gambling your life’s saving at the casino, you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.

         Anyways, thank you for reading! Enjoy your New Year's celebrations (bleh) and think about making that change. I’d love to know if anyone is planning to do something big in the next year because I love to hear inspiring stories from other hopefuls like me!!